'I’m fed up looking like Father Christmas,’

Muttered Father Christmas one year

'I need a new outfit, I must move with the times

So for a start, it’s goodbye reindeer’

He googled Alternative Santas

And was amazed at the stuff that appeared

He got rid of the holly-red costume

Had a haircut, and shaved off his beard

Spent his days in front of a computor

In a cave hollowed out of the ice

Wearing a tee shirt emblazoned Merry Xmas

And jeans (Amazon, Armani, half price)

Couldn’t wait to straddle his snow-ped

(The bargain he’d bought on eBay)

A rocket-powered silver toboggan

His supersonic sleigh

Then one morning he thought, 'Oh why bother

Delivering presents by hand

When it could all be done online

Busy parents will understand

We are lucky to live in a digital age

Where the aim is access and speed

SantaNet I’ll call the system

'Santafaction guaranteed’

* * * * * * *

And that was years and years ago

Times that children barely know

Midnight mass and mistletoe

Christmas carols and candle glow

Sleigh bells ringing across the snow

And Santa singing Yo ho ho

For that was years and years ago

And that was years and years ago.

'Poetry Please: The Nation’s Best-Loved Poems', with a foreword by Roger McGough (Faber, £20) is available from the Telegraph Bookshop for £17 + £1.35 P&P. To order, call 0844 871 1514 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk