There are many reasons someone would be scared of being loved. Most of these reasons stem from a prior hurt. It could be from a life of being told they aren’t good enough, in which case the person fears the imminent rejection that is sure to happen.

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Here are 13 lies people who are terrified of love tell themselves:

1. I’m too busy.

A relationship will just get in the way of my goals.

2. I can’t find anyone who fits my idea of a mate.

Having been rejected, I don’t want to feel that pain ever again.

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3. Love is too much work.

Perhaps I fear that being loved means having to be vulnerable and that means exposing my inner demons.

4. My life is awesome, just the way it is.

5. Who needs a relationship

I have all I need right here?

6. I don’t like commitment.

7. I like my freedom.

And surely, if they find out who I am, they’ll leave.

8. The last thing I feel like doing is babysitting.

9. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone again.

10. Love is complicated

I don’t like drama.

11. Not going there again

I already know how it turns out.

12. Life is so much easier alone.

13. I’d rather have a dog.

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And then there are adoptees. Most adoptees from a closed adoption (and many from open ones) will tell you that love scares them. The moment adoptees were separated from their mothers, a wound was formed and stored in their nervous system. From that, a feeling of loss, rejection, and abandonment is everpresent, whether they consciously know it or not.

Then, when we hear the stories. "Your mother loved you so much she gave you up." "You were so loved — your mother couldn’t give you the life you deserved, so she entrusted you to us." "Do you know how lucky you are to have a mother who loves you so much that she would do anything for you?" These statements are interpreted by the adoptee to mean love equals abandonment. Because if someone loved me that much, they wouldn’t leave me. For adoptees especially, when someone leaves it hurts. A lot. So why on earth would we welcome love when, to us, love means pain?

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Several years ago, as a mother of 3 growing kids in my 30’s, all my closest friends moved away. Soon before that, my super awesome neighbors sold their house and moved. I remember thinking, ‘Why does everyone leave me?’ It shook my world in a way no one, not even myself, could understand. While it sounds so juvenile to think a thought like that, it was my reality. It wouldn’t be until years later I understood why.

There are some good mates out there who can see right through the lies. And they are the persistent ones. Because they can see beyond the exterior, they will love you anyway. You, whoever you are, are stronger than your fear. Permit yourself to give it a try. Love yourself first — and you won’t have to worry about someone else hurting you ever again.

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Suzanne Jones, NLP, is a parenting coach and mentor who works with prospective adoptive couples with unresolved issues surrounding their childhood that will cloud their ability to parent.