I used to give blow jobs all the time.

I loved the idea of spoiling a man until he could barely stand it. Blow jobs are a 100% selfless thing. Unless you're one of those (extremely rare) women who gets turned on by the taste of someone's penis, there is little-to-no pleasure in fellatio for the giver, and this massive, overwhelming amount of sensation for the receiver.

And the best blow jobs, according to basically every man who ever wrote about how to give amazing blow jobs, are given by women who are enthusiastic about doing it.  

You cannot, by definition, be amazing in bed if you don't give an amazing blow job. You cannot be truly sexy unless you're the girl who will look him in the eyes devilishly while she sucks him off. 

And so I did that. For years. With every guy I had sex with. 

But it was all bullsh*t. 

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The truth was, I've always hated giving blow jobs.

I did it because I wanted guys to like me.

Not just like me, but to fall in love with me.

As pathetic as that sounds, it's true. And if you're a woman, I know a part of you relates. 

As expected, there's a sad back story to my intense need to be desired. My dad left my mom when I was thirteen, for a much-younger woman. A tall, curvy brunette who was everything my bookish, thoughtful, square-hipped mom wasn't. 

His new girlfriend was sexy.

So I was going to be sexy. Because that's how you got men to stay. 

But the truth that I think most of us know (but won't admit to) is that giving blow jobs sucks! 

Yes, that's a terrible pun, but I 100% mean it. 

I'm not trying to yuck your yum, as they say, if you're one of those women who actually does love to give blow jobs. 

But for me, and many women who've spoken to me in those quiet, wine-warmed moments women often share, blow jobs are a real pain in the ass.

Here are five (brutally honest) reasons why.

Blow jobs are boring as hell.

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Someone explain to me what you think about while you're going down on a guy. Seriously, I don't get it. 

Maybe I'm impatient, maybe I'm selfish, maybe I play too many video games (yes to all of the above), but just sitting there bobbing up and down on some guy's penis is just not for me.

I need novelty. I need excitement. I need some sort of variety in my pleasure-giving. 

If the guy were to let me put my phone next to his hips with my Hulu app blaring The Mindy Project or Quantico, then I could get into it. 

But no. Apparently guys aren't into that. 

Giving you a blow job means we have to smell your stanky-ass crotch.

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Women get the reputation for having smelly vaginas, but I've been with guys and women and let me tell you why guys can be worse.

Men don't think they're smelly. It's not a thing they seem to be worried about. 

Whereas women ... well, we think about these things. So we plan ahead. We trim up, we wash, we wear cotton undies. 

And if we think the aroma may be a little potent, we'll probably demure if someone offers to go down on us.

But guys? Nah. They may have been at the gym and then wearing tight jeans be like "Dang, this is great!" when we start to move down there. 

So, yeah. No thanks.

Blow jobs are too damn much work.

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Not only do you have to keep your mouth open the entire time like you're at the goddamned dentist, but you have to be in a super weird half-pushup position the entire time, bobbing your head.

Unless you're doing some sort of weird push-ups every single day, you simply do not have the muscles for this. The next day you're bound to have both a sore jaw and a sore neck.

One sex writer recommended that the more blow jobs you give, the stronger those muscles are going to get. 

But no thanks, if I'm going to develop muscles they're going to be somewhere I can show them off like my arms or my ass. 

Also, a hot tip to the guys, don't try to "last" during a BJ. That's just selfish. She will never be like, "oh damn, you finished too fast!" when she's giving you oral sex. 

Blow jobs make us gag.

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If guys could just keep their damn hips still and not try to thrust, we'd probably be okay here.

I'm no delicate flower. I can handle a penis.

But then some guy has a spasm and next thing I know it's halfway down my throat.

No. If there's going to be any sort of gag happening in our bedroom, it should be the kinky kind. And some silk ties.

And your hand print on my ass. 

Semen tastes terrible and everybody knows it.

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Guys listen. I don't want you to feel bad about your semen. 

It's great. I actually find it super sexy when it's on me or in me or around me. I love it when you orgasm. 

But I do not think it tastes good.

What's worse, there's this whole "spit or swallow" thing that has made women neurotic for decades.

Do us a favor and ask your partner whether she wants you to ejaculate in her mouth or not. 

Not enough guys do that, and that's one of the main reasons women totally abandon blow jobs, even with guys they really like.