A lot of couples want to explore the kinky side of sex —  BDSM — but are afraid. If you're a newcomer to kink, there's good reason to hesitate: Going too far, too fast, or even a minor miscommunication with your lover can end up hurting each other (or the relationship).

But couples who are new also have so much to gain by exploring new parts of their sexuality together. 

What is BDSM? The letters stand for a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. The most common and broad definition of BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It's an umbrella term that includes a wide range of erotic activities that consenting adults use to explore their sexuality together. It can be light bondage, erotic spanking, or as  advanced as suspension bondage and caning.

For those of you who are intrigued but hanging in limbo because of uncertainty, here's a 10-step guide to explore the exciting world of bondage. 

1. Explore your fantasies and name your desires.

Fantasies belong in your erotic imagination and are able to powerfully fuel your sexual arousal. In fantasies, there are no limitations or consequences. A desire is a craving for a real life experience. Know the difference and let your fantasies run wild, while being realistic about what you really desire in your sex life. 

2. Get clear about what kind of erotic energy you want to explore.

Once you have a sense of what your authentic desires are, get clear about what kind of erotic energy you desire. Erotic energy is the motivation and intent behind any sexual act. A simple kiss, for example, can feel romantic or rough, depending on the energy you bring to it.

When you start exploring more intense sexual acts like spanking or bondage, it's important that you be crystal clear about what kind of erotic energy you wish to experience. An erotic spanking can feel tender and sweet, or dominating and raunchy. If you just ask your partner to spank you, you may not get what you want. Once you get specific, you can both relax into your roles and are far more likely to have the sexual experience you're truly craving.

3. Explore ideas with your partner.

Before you begin, go on a date and have a long talk about what you want to experience together; allow this conversation to act as part of the foreplay. Ask a lot of detailed questions and be willing to speak honestly about what you desire, what you do and do not want to happen — what kind of sensations you want to experience.

If you can't have an honest conversation about something, you probably aren't ready to try it out. Once you've explored in conversation, you'll have a much easier time fulfilling one another's needs and wants, without getting hurt in the process.

4. Choose one adventure at a time.

Many people who are new to BDSM make the mistake of trying out a lot of new things at once. This makes it hard to figure out what you like and what you dislike. Try incorporating one new element at a time so there's clarity about what worked and what didn't.

For example, try a simple erotic spanking first. If you like it, you can add in light bondage. Or verbal discipline. Or orgasm control. Each element will add a new layer of excitement and risk, so try one at a time and build your future kinky adventures out of the elements you enjoyed each time.

5. Set boundaries.

It's essential to set clear boundaries each time you explore BDSM together. You both need to know what will and won't happen. It's much easier to relax into new sensations and surrender if you aren't worried about what to anticipate next.

So if you're trying out erotic spanking, be 100 percent clear about what other activities you are open to. Do you want sexual stimulation before, during, or after? Is hair-pulling OK? Is there anything you want your partner to call you? What do you not want to hear as your love is spanking you?

Set clear boundaries and then stick to them. You can always renegotiate next time. However, continue to build trust by staying within your agreed upon boundaries each time.

6. Go slowly.

For those new to BDSM there's always the temptation to try very heavy sensation. Build up intensity slowly, and there is way less of a chance that someone will get hurt. No matter what activity you're exploring, slow down and pay attention every step of this little journey. It's way better to end a session wanting more, than do too much too quickly.

If you're unsure how much intensity your partner wants, use a scale of one to ten, one being "very gentle" and ten being "as much as I can take!" At any point, you can quickly check in and find out if your spanks are feeling like a three or an eight. Over time, you will both be able to communicate more clearly. 

7. Check in after your adventure.

Bask in the afterglow and then take the time to check in with one another about how your explorations went. Sometimes it makes sense to check in a few hours after; other times it can wait until the next day. Be sure to ask our favorite question: "What could have made it even better?"

This question allows for the kind of feedback that will bring you increasingly satisfying sex every time. Acknowledge that you are both new to BDSM (at least with each other) and you each have a lot to learn. Take full advantage of this positive feedback and see what happens next time. 

8. Watch and learn.

If you are new to BDSM, attending a BDSM conference or "play party" and simply observing other people play can bring about a certain feeling of comfort and enlightenment. You'll open your mind to the possibilities and if you pay attention to what turns you on, you can learn a lot about yourself. Many BDSM conferences have workshops where you can learn new skills in a safe environment.

9. Never say "never."

Explore slowly at first, but keep your options open. A lot of BDSM activities look way more intense than they feel. Piercing, for example, is something a lot of people seem afraid to try, but can actually feel really relaxing and not at all painful. Keep an open mind, explore one thing at a time, and never say "never!"

10. Enjoy the journey.

Understand it as a long-term exploration of your sexuality — your desires — and enjoy each step of the way. Sexuality is a fluid force in our lives; we need different things at different phases, and the process of discovering yourself as a sexual being never ends. Especially in long-term relationships, the spirit of curiosity and exploration can go a long way toward keeping your sex life exciting and fulfilling.

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