Baby From “Dirty Dancing” Is A Bit Of An Asshole

Dirty Dancing

What I Thought Then: Baby helps people and now that she knows how to dance, she and Johnny will change the world together. Her father’s such a tightass. Relax old man!

What I Think Now: In the span of a day, her father discovers he not only financed a felony, but his teenage daughter is sleeping with a grown-ass man she just met. Give him a minute, Baby.

Revenge of the Nerds

What I Thought Then: The smart kids beat the jocks through superior intelligence, wit, and a bitchin’ new wave rap song. Way to go nerds!

What I Think Now: They put hidden cameras in a sorority house. Pretty sure that’s illegal. One nerd dresses up as Darth Vader to fool a girl into sex. Pretty sure that’s illegal, too. And a bit rapey for a movie night with the kids. Mom of the year here.

Some Kind of Wonderful

What I Thought Then: Young people are in charge of their own destinies. That dad can’t force Keith to go to college if he wants to be an artist instead.

What I Think Now: Keith took his college money and bought diamond earrings with it. If his dad doesn’t kill him, I will.

Sixteen Candles

What I Thought Then: Jake recognizes a kindred spirit in Samantha, despite her unpopular status. So romantic. Fairy tale ending.

What I Think Now: Let’s face it, Jake’s a dick. Farmer Ted didn’t get consent from the unconscious prom queen and that Asian character just yelled BONZAI. Seriously? Someone turn off the goddamn subtitles. I liked it better when I had no idea what anyone was saying.

Gung Ho

What I Thought Then: Michael Keaton is sexy and funny. This is about two cultures meeting in the middle and cooperating. Oh look, there’s the actor from Sixteen Candles who played Long Duk.

What I Think Now: Every single scene is racist and anti-union. I need a drink.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

What I Thought Then: Great sex scenes! I want to be Linda Barrett. And date Jeff Spicoli.

What I Think Now: Statutory rape! I want to be a prosecuting attorney. And date Mr. Hand.

Pretty in Pink

What I Thought Then: Iona is so cool, what a role model. Plus I wish my high school had such good-looking students.

What I Think Now: Iona is an adult hanging out with teenagers. At some point, she gets drunk and kisses one of them. Clearly, she needs a hairdresser and a sponsor. Plus James Spader looks like an investment banker. Eighteen years old, my ass.

Overboard

What I Thought Then: Dean (Kurt Russell — hot) tricks Annie (Goldie Hawn — hot) into thinking abject poverty in rural Oregon beats life on a yacht, with servants, sailing around the world, because of love. And they’re hot. In rural Oregon.

What I Think Now: Annie is the victim of all kinds of fraud. The girlfriend needs a lawyer to bring everyone up on charges. Including the kids.

Baby Boom

What I Thought Then: A love story for the ages. Diane Keaton plays J.C., a high-powered businesswoman, who gives up a successful career in New York to make applesauce in the woods. With a sexy boyfriend. And baby.

What I Think Now: What in the hell did I just watch?

Catherine Durkin Robinson is a writer and activist. Follow her on Twitter @cdurkinrobinson.

This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.