Bachelor In Paradise

Week 5 Season 9 Episode 5 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

Bachelor In Paradise

Week 5 Season 9 Episode 5 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

On The Bachelor proper, I hate not ending on a rose ceremony. It’s such a natural end point for an episode! It wraps up story lines and resets for the next week. (I blame Netflix for this new tendency to get loosey-goosey with the episode structure — the binge model ruined television.) But I don’t mind it on Bachelor in Paradise. The format is already loosey-goosey, and I like that we’re just kinda vibin’. (Once again, though, I will point out that the loosey-goosey beach show SHOULDN’T BE AIRING IN OCTOBER.)

This episode opens in the middle of a pre-cocktail rose ceremony, and Rachel helpfully reminds us that, as things stand, five guys will be going home. Sean and Aaron S. have already done this mathmand are stressing about their odds. Sean tells Aaron that he lost his job because he “wanted to come find love,” which is a lie. That would be an absurd thing to do. Sean, like basically everyone else here, left his job to apply to be a full-time Bachelor Nation employee. These shows are auditions for a career in influencing or something that is supplemented by influencing. (Real estate is an easy one, and Sean’s got a background in sales.) Because he doesn’t want to lose this job, Sean prays to the Paradise gods for a lifeline. He should know they are fickle deities, though, because someone does show up … but not to save Sean.

Down the stairs comes a new woman, also named Sam, and we find out that she was on Bachelor in Paradise Canada. Do I just think all Canadians look the same or could this girl be Jimbo’s sister? We get a clip of her talking about how much she loves leather, so you know she’s a wild card. Jesse sends Sam down to the beach and all of the roseless guys swarm, but Sam is more than capable of cutting through the surge. She’s bringing a much-needed shadiness to the beach, especially when she tells 26-year-old Sean that she’s not interested because his frontal cortex hasn’t closed yet. I don’t know what it is about the air in Canada, but they seem to be producing all of our best reality-show contestants these days.

Rose ceremony time! Rachel is standing with her leg at a 45-degree angle like Angelina Jolie in that Oscars dress. My most generous read is that her thighs were just getting really sweaty, but she is really out here embarrassing herself every week. This is why you shouldn’t have come to paradise, Rachel! Kylee’s rose goes to Aven, Rachel’s goes to Brayden, Eliza’s goes to Aaron B., Kat’s goes to Tanner, Jess’s goes to Blake, Olivia’s goes to John Henry, Mercedes’s goes to Tyler, and Sam’s goes to Peter because he’s in his 30s, which means Sean, Aaron S., John B., and Will are going home. I can’t say that I’ll miss any of them. I like Will, but his moping was getting old. Sean says that maybe he should have told Sam he had hemorrhoids so that she wouldn’t think he was a baby. Honestly? Funny.

The next day, we learn that it’s Kat’s birthday. Obviously she’s going to be supernormal about it! She tells us that what she wants for her birthday is an open-mouth make-out sesh with Tanner. But when a date card arrives … it’s for Rachel. She’s so excited that her name is on a date card, and girl, your name was on EVERY date card when you were The Bachelorette! Stop acting like this is such a big deal! Rachel asks Brayden on the date, and while they get ready, everyone jokes about which earrings he’ll wear on the date. Mercedes says, deadpan, “That’s so funny” like she’s Mandy Moore on Scrubs. (That’s a reference for people in their 30s.)

Rachel and Brayden’s date is a classic “painting each other” date, but they frame it as making them human piñatas, because Mexico. They give up on finger-painting immediately and just start pouring loose paint on each other’s bodies. Rachel says it’s the most romantic date she’s ever had, and honestly? I get it. To be clear, I never want to roll around in paint, but they’re laughing a lot and I agree with her that being silly together is more romantic than Champagne on a yacht. They seem to really like each other. Hey, there’s a lid for every pot. I have a hunch that it’s not gonna work out for them, though.

Back at the beach everyone’s doing shots for Kat’s birthday. She says that they’re gonna have a “darty,” which the editors helpfully define for those of us who didn’t go to a state school as a daytime outdoor party. While planning the festivities, however, Davia arrives on the beach and tells Jesse that she’s interested in Tanner. Happy birthday to Kat! Davia immediately pulls Tanner aside, and he notices that she has one blue eye and one green eye. Pay attention and you might just hear him mention it again this episode! While they’re chatting, Blake gets stuck babysitting Kat, who is totally cool with everything that’s happening here. Seriously, though, Kat makes herself very easy to make fun of, but this does suck.

Davia returns from her chat with Tanner and announces that she doesn’t need to talk to anyone else — she wants to ask Tanner on the date. Tanner says yes, then remembers that he should talk to Kat about it first. This, obviously, doesn’t go well. I want to get out of the way first that Kat clearly has no leg to stand on since she did the exact same thing to Brayden, and her tendency to explode into hack sound bites about “boys” versus “men” and being a “strong, confident, beautiful woman” is hard to stomach. BUT! I appreciate someone pushing back on the unspoken rules of paradise that I talked about last week. Tanner wants to get through this conversation saying everything he’s supposed to — things are going well with them but he wants to “explore his options” so he can have “clarity,” blah, blah, blah — and Kat doesn’t want to let him off the hook. By simply asking him to explain what he means, she’s pointing out the absurdity of this whole song and dance. I support it!

While Kat and Tanner have their debrief, the rest of the group applauds Davia for … asking Tanner on a date? Without talking to anyone else? Again, the unspoken rules are so silly. But Davia also learns that things between Kat and Tanner were maybe more serious (at least in Kat’s mind) than Tanner indicated, and Davia says that she doesn’t want to step on any toes because that’s “not in [her] nature.” Oh, fuck off. It’s fine to take someone else’s “connection” in Paradise, that’s why we’re all here. These guys think they can just say they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and that absolves them of hurting feelings. That’s not how this works! It’s especially galling considering Davia comes and interrupts Kat’s chat with Tanner to take him away on their date. That’s rude, even within the weird byzantine rules of this show! Just admit you don’t care! I have so much more respect for people like Sam, who come in like, “Yeah, I’ll be Mrs. Steal Your Man, whatever, that’s the game.”

While Davia and Tanner are away on their date, Kat mostly cries about how it’s her birthday and, “you only turn 27 once,” which I suppose is technically true. Look, I never want to hang out with Kat, but she makes great TV. At one point, she says, “I’m good’ and then immediately bursts into tears. It is at this point that the whole crew marches down to where she’s sobbing to sing “Happy Birthday” and give her a cake. Now here is where I can no longer defend Kat: She walks away with the cake and throws it into the surf. No heartbreak is worth wasting a perfectly good cake over.

We check in on Tanner and Davia’s date, but it’s just dinner and dancing — or at least that’s all we get to see. Tanner tells us, “I think she has a blue eye and a green eye.” You think??? Buddy, if this girl ever goes missing, we’re checking your basement for eyeballs. This man has such a hard-on for heterochromia! If it doesn’t work out with Davia, Tanner can date a husky next.

Back at the beach, Brayden and Rachel return from their date still dressed as piñatas, right after Kat says she wants a piñata for her birthday. Brayden is reveling in Kat’s sadness, which is a little fair considering she did literally the same thing to him. She’s handling it about as well as he did. (Read: badly.) He doesn’t go too hard on her — or at least the editors don’t show him being mean — which is smart. She is more than capable of embarrassing herself, you don’t need to do it for her!

With the exception of Kat’s unraveling, things are getting a little too complacent on the beach, so Canadian Sam makes an admirable effort to stir things up with a classic game of truth or dare. This is the energy I wanted Hannah Brown to bring instead of that Barbara Walters impression. Things get loose and silly — Aaron eats a hot pepper; Brayden gives a lap dance to “the most exciting person here” (he chooses Jess and it’s funny because she’s not exciting); Peter kisses “the girl [he] finds most attractive” (Kylee, who practically squirms away from him); Mercedes makes out with John Henry; Kat takes a body shot off John Henry; Olivia sucks John Henry’s finger. It’s all the kind of silly, raunchy fun that everyone gathered should have grown out of by now, but it’s also fodder for story lines. One telling moment came when Aaron asked Jess if Blake is still her No. 1, and she paused longer than Beyoncé doing “Energy” in Atlanta.

Now things are starting to shake up! Blake confronts Jess about what happened there, and she doesn’t have a good answer for him. Reading between the lines (and fears of looking bad on TV), Jess isn’t that into Blake, but because they paired off fairly quickly, she knows she can’t “explore things” with other guys without hurting Blake (and looking bad on TV.) It’s a fascinating conundrum, and I’m glad to see it playing out on the show! I just wish they could talk about it more openly. But that would betray the “journey.” Guess we’ll have to settle for vague, veiled Instagram Stories!

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Too Much Birthday