Bachelor In Paradise

Week 1 Season 9 Episode 1 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

Bachelor In Paradise

Week 1 Season 9 Episode 1 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

It’s my favorite time of year: there’s a chill in the air, Dunkin’ is doing something unconscionable with pumpkin spice munchkins, and … the horny singles are congregating at Playa Escondida? This is all wrong. I’m worried about the migration patterns of the elusive influencer and insurance-rep-slash-aspiring-influencer. The Bachelor in Paradise premiere date has been creeping later each year, and it simply isn’t natural. BiP is the epitome of summer programming. I should be enjoying the mess with a margarita in hand after spending the day pickling myself in a vacation house pool. Depending on how many episodes air this season — the average is around 10, but last year we got 16 — we could be watching our favorite Hot Girls and himbos frolic in the sand while a couple of channels over ABC Family is airing its 25 Days of Christmas. Is there anything we can do to restore the natural order? A telethon? Gal Gadot does the “Imagine” thing again? Please, I’m desperate! I’m writing this recap while wearing a jean jacket and sipping a hot chai latte! This feels obscene!

I am only this passionate because I care deeply about this ridiculous show. I’ve mentioned before that Bachelor in Paradise is my favorite iteration of the Bachelor franchise, and I’m reminded of why that is right out of the gate. We get a new intro of the cast dancing to the Flashdance theme. It goes on a little too long, and they don’t entirely sell it, which makes this show so damn charming. I’m assuming that next week, we’ll go back to the “Almost Paradise” sitcom-style intros, and I can’t wait to see what silly, self-referential poses producers talked their charges into striking.

With that goofy tone set, Jesse’s here to welcome us to THE SADDEST, GREYEST BEACH I’VE EVER SEEN. Was it a particularly overcast day that they didn’t have time to reshoot? Was it too expensive to recolor the sky? Is that just what Playa Escondida looks like when it’s deserted? It’s not a particularly welcoming vibe, but perhaps that’s more appropriate for what’s to come. Jesse once again informs us that one couple gets married on the beach, which he’s been teasing since Charity’s Men Tell All. I’m now predicting it’s a fake out, and another Bachelor Nation couple comes down to the beach to televise their wedding. Why get married in the presence of family and friends when you could do it on TV surrounded by acquaintances in bathing suits?

Now it’s time to (re)meet the contestants! First up — we all knew it was coming — Rachel Recchia is here looking wistfully at a rose. It wasn’t until she quipped, “Oh, sorry, I just do that sometimes now,” that I realized she was trying to look like she was leading a rose ceremony. I thought she was just sad about her final rose recipient cheating on her. Loyal readers know how I feel about former show leads returning — anti! — so I won’t go into my rant right now. Just know that whenever I talk about Rachel I think, “She shouldn’t even be here!!!!” the whole time.

Next, we see Brayden shopping for statement jewelry and doing yoga. He promises he didn’t like how he came across during Charity’s season, but he’s grown. God, I hope so, because I’m tired of defending this man, whose biggest crime is usually just being obnoxious, but somehow I doubt it.

Now it’s time to re-introduce Kylee, who’s most notable for being sent home over Zoom when Zach Shallcross got COVID. That was, I’m sure, humiliating, but Kylee will bounce back and become, as her chyron so helpfully indicates, a hot commodity. But Kylee lets us know that she only has eyes for Aven, who has been liking her selfies. She says they haven’t spoken, outside of Aven sending her a fire emoji on a particularly effective thirst trap, but she would be ready to marry him at the end of Paradise. Oh, you sweet summer child. Don’t you know that naive vulnerability will be weaponized against you in the name of good television? I’m glad she told us this, though. Often, we find out weeks into the show that two people have been talking outside of the show, which completely changes the dynamic on the beach. It’s unreasonable to expect that no one communicates when not on my TV screen, but it is relevant information and I would like to know what’s going on in the DMs!

Okay, rapid-fire on the rest of the intros reminding us who everyone is: Aaron crashed Charity’s finale; Mercedes brought a pig; Sean looks like a Ken doll (a mean little caption says “*does not in fact look like Ken” — the editors are getting catty!), Jess wore glitter; Will had his jacket thrown in the pool; Brooklyn said, “If the shoe fits, lace that bitch up” one time and now it’s her whole personality; Kat got less botox on her eyes this time; Blake got engaged to Katie and now rescues sharks (?) for work. I love Blake and have a big shark phobia, so this segment was tough for me.

Rachel is the first to arrive, her face looking a little smoother than the last we saw her. Jesse says it’s a historic moment, and I thought he would say that it was the first time a former Bachelorette came to Bachelor in Paradise, completely forgetting about Becca. But no, Jesse says she’s the second Bachelorette to return to the beach looking for love. That’s not historic. There’s nothing historic about being the second person to do something. Just ask Buzz Aldrin. Jesse also tells Rachel that she’s the first person to arrive, and she looks like he just told her that a sharknado blew away the beach. She is so shocked it’s charming. This girl does not have a cynical bone in her body, she’s so credulous and sweet. Also, she calls Jesse Jess, which is adorable.

Aaron is next, and Jesse says he seems looser, which Aaron explains with, “I just turned 30.” I turned 30 last year and immediately developed back problems, so I have no idea what he’s talking about. (Granted, I was seven months pregnant, but still.) Brooklyn, Cat (with a C), Sean, and Will come down in rapid succession, followed by Kylee. Oh, baby, now we got a stew going. Both Aaron and Will are interested in Kylee, who is still talking about Aven. Aaron pulls Kylee aside, and she mentions that she’s thinking about moving to San Diego, where Aaron is a realtor.

Brayden, Eliza (who left after getting into a love triangle with Rodney and Justin last season), Greer and Mercedes from Zach’s season, and Aaron S. from Charity’s season are next to arrive. While they sniff each others’ butts and say hi to everyone, we get a montage of every time someone says the word “vibe,” and the editors think they’re slick for putting a “Vibe Counter” at the bottom of the screen. This is weak. For one thing, at least have the courage of your convictions and keep it going the whole time. But, really, complaining about “vibe” is so boomer-coded. It’s like in 2009 when snobs complained about people saying “like.” Language is a tool that evolves and gatekeeping it is so not the vibe!

Next, a woman arrives, and Jesse says, “Nice to meet you,” but she informs him that they already met — she was on Clayton’s season “for like five seconds” but left on her own accord before the first rose ceremony. I have never related to Jesse more. Her name is Sam, and she has to take a minute at the top of the steps because she develops “a nervous rash.” This woman don’t got that dog in her, I fear.

Now we must talk about Olivia, who does the most without an intro or even a Jesse greeting. Will notices her right away and takes her down to a palapa, the designated BiP flirting zone. Without so much as a “What do you do for a living,” Olivia asks if he’d suck her toes. He laughs it off by saying he would, but they’re sandy now, and she goes down to wash them off in the ocean. For as far as they take this bit, it is absolutely unforgivable that he doesn’t suck her toes. He just kisses her instead. It’s so weak, and considering how much trouble it gets him in later, it’s not worth it!

Finally, Jess shows up, sans glitter but with a chic new lob. Sean says she’s number one on his list because they’re both Swifties, which is like saying you’re into someone because you both metabolize oxygen into carbon dioxide. Jess, for her part, says that she likes that Sean is into Taytay, but she wants to explore other options. Then here comes Blake, other options personified.

With our first stringers assembled, Jesse calls a team meeting and does his little pep talk about how it’s possible to find love on the beach, name-checking a few successful BiP couples. Then he drops the bomb that the men are handing out roses this week. Anyone who can do basic arithmetic would have figured this out by now, but it sends the women into a panic. Cat doesn’t want to go home! It’s Hot Girl Summer! (Which was 2019, but whatever). Everyone separates by gender to debrief, where Olivia reveals that she and Will have kissed already. This freaks out Kylee because she needs Will’s rose so she can stick around until Aven shows up — sorry, I mean because she likes Will. She pouts to everyone about it, including Will, but is immediately faced with a decision. Yeah, obviously, Kylee gets the first date card.

After deliberating, Kylee decides Will is still her best option and asks him on the date. This sends Olivia into scorched earth mode, livid that Will would date Kylee after “macking on” her. I, for one, am thrilled that “macking” is making a comeback. I love a goofy euphemism for kissing!

Their date is just a dinner in a shallow pool, which Will falls into while pulling out Kylee’s chair for her. He’s extremely embarrassed, but as someone who “accidentally” fell into a pool at a Halloween party in high school, I can assure him that it’s a great way to get attention. They discuss Will kissing Olivia, and Kylee says she doesn’t want to step on any toes. I don’t think she was privy to the toe-sucking conversation, so this is an extremely serendipitous unintentional pun. Will reassures her that she is his number one choice and that it’s a whole different feeling kissing her than kissing Kylee. Cut to Olivia telling all of Playa Escondida that she won’t be sloppy seconds. I think Olivia is a little too upset about a one-day flirtation, but I have to admit, “At the end of the day, she’s gotta taste me, I don’t gotta taste her” is a pretty good line.

Elsewhere on the beach, Brayden asks for a Wells pep talk because he was into Kylee. Wells, as patiently as possible, tells him that it’s only night one and he should start exploring other options. Brayden immediately takes this to heart and starts flirting with Kat. These two, actually, are a pretty good match. She says she likes the earrings, but she also says her favorite color is beige, so her taste cannot be trusted. They smooch, as do Sean and Rachel, Jess and Blake, Aaron B. and Mercedes, and Aaron S. and Sam. That’s a lot of smooching for night one! Considering how upset Olivia was about Will going on a date after kissing her, this will cause some big hurt feelings when the roses start flying.

The next morning, everything is relatively calm. The boys are working out, the girls are putting on makeup, and Aaron S. declares, “Wakey wakey, grab your snakey,” which I don’t even want to contemplate the meaning of. Olivia is still fuming about Will’s date with Kylee but says she won’t go talk to him; he can talk to her if he wants. Will does precisely this, asking multiple times how she’s feeling. Olivia practically spits that she’s “fine,” which every mid-tier standup comic on Instagram will tell you is a trap. They talk in circles for a while, with Olivia saying she feels disrespected and Will saying he doesn’t owe her anything. I think they’re both a little bit right here. No one owes anyone anything here, but it is an unspoken rule that you should talk to the person you paired off with previously if you’re going on a date with someone else. I think the disconnect here is in what “pairing off” means. To Olivia, it is kissing, and to Will, it isn’t. I am inclined to side with Will on this one — this is the horny beach! — but I don’t think Olivia is wrong to be hurt.

And Olivia is very upset. Once Will walks away, she rants to herself — or, more realistically, a producer, but it’s framed as if she’s talking to herself — about how Kylee sees Will as “a place-holder and an easy rose” and will “ride that wave until Aven comes.” This is coming from a place of spite, but she’s probably not wrong! We’ll find out next week, though, because of course Aven is going to come down those steps ASAP. Cue Olivia cackling wildly.

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