Below Deck Down Under

The Magic Seamen Season 2 Episode 16 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

Below Deck Down Under

The Magic Seamen Season 2 Episode 16 Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

We’ve seen enough of the Below Deck franchise to recognize when guests are on the brink of crossing the line, and our current girls’ trip from hell is taking it too far. From wasted primary Zara licking Harry and the other women spanking the deckies and making sexual comments as if they were interacting with strippers at a bachelorette party, it’s all an embarrassing mess.

The only person in the group who appears to be somewhat sane is co-primary Melissa, who calls her friends out for having zero boundaries and objectifying the men. Like she says, imagine if the roles were reversed and women were being treated this way? It would never be tolerated, so there’s no reason why the guys should have to put up with this behavior on a regular basis. And things don’t end here, since the second evening’s dinner includes a stripper performance (more on that later).

In the middle of the meal, Zara leaves the dinner table and heads straight for the bridge. When the crew notice she’s sitting there alone, João checks on her until Captain Jason arrives, which is when João stupidly decides to make his escape. João did Jason so dirty by leaving him alone with Zara, who tries to flirt with Jason by talking about the size of the boat’s wheel. Jaimee finally puts Jason out of his misery by informing Zara that the main course has been served. Jason is the type to usually humor the guests, so I love the fact that he doesn’t even try hiding how annoyed he is with this group.

The next morning, Tzarina and João chat about their upcoming date, which Tzarina tells us she’s excited about even though she’s still keeping her guard up. She says that João came in as the “most perfect man that you would run off into the mountains and get married with” — which is a highly questionable description, especially since she said she wanted to punch him in the face when he first showed up — but adds that she isn’t going to put all her faith in him. As much as I hope it goes well for them, I know deep down that their situationship won’t last much longer.

Then, the guests request some pre-diving mimosas and Bloody Marys, which Aesha says is fine. This decision turns out to be a huge mistake, because when they get to the diving location, they’re told they can’t go on the excursion while intoxicated since it’s against the law. The only sober people who are allowed end up being the two ladies who can’t stand each other, Ji and Sarah, which is the funniest possible outcome. Meanwhile, everyone else can only go snorkeling, which isn’t nearly as cool as diving. Aesha definitely should have known better than to give them permission, but then again, isn’t it common sense that you shouldn’t go diving after drinking alcohol?

Ultimately, the trip isn’t a total bust because the guests enjoy their snorkeling and then have a fun time getting drunk at Vlasoff Cay before returning to the boat for a neon-themed dinner. The crew goes all out with 1980s-inspired costumes, while the guests don’t even attempt to dress for the theme they specifically requested. Lame! After making up an excuse to skip dinner the first night, Captain Jason is forced to “take one for the team” and join the guests for tonight’s meal. Thankfully, the guests are significantly less drunk this time around.

While the interior has been operating smoothly thus far, communication seems to be a major issue this charter. It starts in the morning when Tzarina gets annoyed that Aesha didn’t tell her about the breakfast orders in a timely manner. The problem grows when Tzarina gets even more annoyed when she isn’t told that Jason is joining the guests for dinner until the last minute, so she confronts Aesha about having a three-strike rule when it comes to miscommunication. Instead of getting into an argument about it, Tzarina and Aesha talk it out like mature adults and, voilà, they’re on the same page again. Future BD chefs, take note, because this is how you do it! Aesha clearly hasn’t been on her A-game this charter, but I can’t blame her since these guests have been a handful.

After watching his co-workers get tasked with wearing costumes to entertain the guests recently, Culver is thrilled to be back in his natural habitat for the night. What I mean by this is that Keith Stone, his ridiculous, mullet-sporting alter ego, is back. Aesha thinks that this version of him will make Jaimee like him even more, which is hilarious given that it’ll just give her the ick for the 20th time. Speaking of Jaimee, she’s starting to set her sights on Luka, who she says is more her type. The one thing that sticks out to her besides his physical features? The fact that he doesn’t live with his mom, unlike her current man. I would love nothing more than for Jaimee and Luka to hook up just so that Culver can get a taste of his own medicine.

Culver plans on choreographing a Magic Mike–esque show for the men to perform, to which I say: You will never be Channing Tatum! He pulls out all the stops by bringing out props like bananas, a baguette, and whipped cream. Hey, if the guys have to do embarrassing things like this, good on them for attempting to have a little fun with it. The “Magic Seamen” perform an entire stripper routine that concludes with Zara getting tied to a chair and having her mouth stuffed with whipped cream as they graze her with a “rock-hard baguette.” I’m sure this is the greatest experience of her life. João also gives us the perfect description of Culver: “He’s shit at his job, but he’s a great entertainer.” I genuinely believe that Culver belongs on a cruise or a Danny McBride series.

The next morning, the guests finally leave. Good riddance; I hope we never have to see these ignorant and inappropriate guests (except Melissa) ever again. The only highlight is that they leave the crew with a $20,000 tip, which is surprising since I was pretty sure they’d end up being lousy tippers. The disco helmet of shame obviously goes to João for leaving Jason alone with Zara, although Aesha came in at a close second due to her dropping the ball this charter.

The real drama happens after the tip meeting, when Margot — who’s spent the entirety of the episode talking about how she wants to redeem herself after what she dubs a “little slip-up” — asks Aesha if she can finish the season by working on service. Instead of being like, “No, that’s not what you were hired to do,” Aesha fully embraces the suggestion and says she’d love to be part of Margot’s “journey” by giving her that second chance, which upsets Jaimee, who overhears the entire conversation. I love Aesha, but her weakness is easily her tendency to act too friendly with the interior rather than being stern with them. Jaimee hasn’t done anything wrong to warrant having someone else take over her role, plus Margot took advantage of the one time she was put on service by drinking on the job, so Aesha shouldn’t be rewarding her for that.

Things escalate before the crew night out when Jaimee is abruptly told she’s going to be off service for the final charter. After Jaimee expresses that she’s upset she wasn’t immediately told about the change even though she’s happy for Margot, Harry decides to essentially comment that Margot is more deserving of being second stew. The episode concludes with Jaimee getting emotional, which is valid since she’s been nothing but a gracious team player until this point.

Below Deck Down Under Recap: Magic Mike Live