And she would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for … Andy Cohen?

Update 3:30 p.m.: Andy Cohen took time from what we can assume is day 3 of his post-CNN New Year’s Eve coverage hangover to respond to Jen Shah’s Eyegate comments. He said the long duration of this mystery was not Bravo’s doing. “I don’t want to be Captain Obvious here, but if we had footage, don’t you think we would’ve aired it?” he asked rhetorically on Radio Andy. Cohen also copped to having previously wanted a one-on-one interview with Shah, but her “stipulations were insane.” Cohen said that she’d only do the interview if there was also a miniseries leading up to jail. (Which, in fairness, Teresa Giudice did get.) This was also before Shah had struck a plea deal. “So it would’ve been another interview of her sitting across from me lying to my face, which we got at two reunions from her,” Cohen said. “So that’s that. That’s my response to that.”

Original story follows.

The season-four finale of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City on January 2 played like a Hercule Poirot teleplay. Slowly but surely, mysteries unraveled, identities were revealed, and Chekhov’s guns were fired. The target? Whoever Heather Gay revealed gave her a black eye. During the final dinner of the season, themed “Bermuda Triangle” complete with a triangle of tables, Gay — with the rest of the core four (Whitney Rose, Meredith Marks, and Lisa Barlow) and their resident Muppet, Angie K. — confronted fellow Housewife Monica Garcia, also known as Reality Von (Tea)se, about her false identity. Gay then performed a monologue about her own former loyalty to currently incarcerated ab instructor Jen Shah. “I felt like I had to lie to protect her,” Gay recalled. “I did whatever it took. I went on book tour and defended her and took shit for the fact [pause for dramatic effect] that she gave me a black eye.”

WEEYOO-WEEYOO! Sorry, what? It’s happening? After episodes upon episodes of Heather Gay obfuscating and refusing to reveal what happened with this black eye, starting all the way back in season three, it’s officially out in the open. The other women, for their parts, gasp with abandon. “What?” Marks asked. “Whoa,” Barlow said.

Never one to miss out on the drama, Shah took a break from queening out with Elizabeth Holmes in prison and got someone to post on her Instagram Story. “BRAVO, if i punched Heather in her eye, you guys would have the footage to prove it,” she wrote. “It’s clear the show can’t live without me since I was brought up at the beginning, middle and end of season 4. Andy is still butt hurt I turned down his 1:1 interview. Why would you sit down with someone who ‘gave’ another cast member a black eye? Next story.” Prisoner 37357-509 blaming Bravo for something Gay said is an interesting tactic, but sure. Whatever. Once Shah is out, we await her eventual book tour with bated breath. It’s too bad If I Did It is already taken.

Heather Gay and the Mystery of the Black Eye: Solved!