How Your Adult Children Treat You Is How You Made Them Feel Growing Up
Emily Baldwin More often than not, parents are surprised when their adult children choose to have no contact with them after years and years of suffering in their youth.
Parents blame their children, unknowingly allowing the rift to grow because they don't feel at fault for anything; however, instead of blaming others, parents should look within themselves.
The way your kids treat you after they no longer need food and shelter is a direct reflection of your parenting.
A mom and parenting content creator named Erin O'Regan shared an Instagram Reel that was then shared on TikTok.
In the Reel, O'Regan pointed out a hard parenting pill to swallow, and it had to do with how your adult children treat you once they are out of the house and no longer need you for basic necessities, like food and shelter.
"How your kids treat you when they are no longer in need of food and shelter is a direct reflection of how you made them feel when they needed you to survive," O'Regan wrote. She explained that while nuance does exist in certain cases and individual situations, most adult children have no desire to cut contact with their parents and strive hard to have a relationship with them.
"We are biologically hard-wired to want it. And if we feel we can’t have it anymore, then it’s because we were left no choice," she insisted. "And for the parents now, we are in it for the long haul. When our children no longer need us, they’re going to treat us how we made them feel; let’s make them feel like the sun rises and sets with them."
A mom explained that it's a parent's responsibility to fix the mistakes they made while raising their child.
In a TikTok video, a mom and content creator, Crystal Allon, revealed that she resonated deeply with O'Regan's quote and said that the relationship she has with her own mother is a direct reflection of how she was treated during her childhood when she needed her mother the most.
Now, as a parent herself, she understands how hard it can be for parents to realize this. "How my children treat me now is a direct reflection of how I treated them when they were younger and needed me. This is very hard for parents to come to terms with. I think a lot of parents go, 'That's not true,' this is where the disconnect comes."
Many parents in this situation argue that they loved their children during their childhoods, and gave them everything they needed to survive and flourish. However, a question arises from this insistence. Did you give your child everything you thought they needed, or did you give them everything they needed from their perspective?
Allon admitted that she might not have done that all the time with her kids, but she hadn't healed her previous childhood trauma and was often extremely triggered that she couldn't be there and present for her kids. When things were going smoothly, she was there, but as soon as something triggered her, it was as if a switch flipped and she was pulling away.
Photo: Syda Productions / Canva Pro
"As my kids grew up and they started to distance themselves from me, I kind of went, 'What's happening here?' I looked at myself and now that I'm looking back on my children's childhood, I'm recognizing some stuff that I really missed the mark on."
Related Stories From YourTango:It's never a child's responsibility to tell their parents where they went wrong, and it isn't an adult child's responsibility to mend a broken relationship that was cultivated by either one or both of their parents.
As someone who had a fraught relationship with one of my parents, I felt almost like it was my duty to fix things and go above and beyond to bridge that gap that existed between us when I was a child.
It's a parent's job to learn and understand how to be a parent in the first place, but unless they heal and acknowledge the trauma they experienced when they were kids, they won't ever be able to be the best version of themselves for their own children.
The last decision anyone wants to make is to cut contact with their parent, but if the situation is too toxic and is no longer serving them, or if a parent refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing, it ends up being the only choice.
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Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.
