Football remains in uproar after Fifa, the game’s governing body, decided that this year’s World Cup should be played in Qatar. Critics continue to protest that the Middle Eastern oil state doesn’t deserve to host the tournament because of its record on human rights.

Of course, this isn’t the first time that Fifa has selected a controversial host nation. It awarded the last tournament, in 2018, to Vladimir Putin’s Russia. Despite all the outcry, however, Fifa remains unrepentant. So goodness only knows where it will choose to stage the World Cup next…

2026: Narnia

As the tournament prepares to get under way, Fifa president Gianni Infantino holds a press conference in which he conveys his profoundly heartfelt sympathy for everyone who has suffered during the ever-lasting winter.

Infantino: “Today, I feel lion. I feel witch. I feel wardrobe. Oh, and while you’re all here, I must make clear that the process for awarding the World Cup to Narnia was completely fair and above board. It is utterly untrue that Fifa officials were fed with a huge pile of Turkish Delight.”

2030: Mordor 

David Beckham comes in for public criticism after reportedly accepting a large sum of money to promote Mount Doom from Lord of the Rings as a luxury holiday destination. A leading comedian tries to persuade the former England captain to pull out.

Joe Lycett: “This is a message to David Beckham. I’ve always considered you to be a gay icon. But now it’s 2030, and you’ve signed a reported £10 million deal with Mordor – a realm with absolutely zero LGBTQ+ representation. Unless you count Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee; it’s never been quite clear what was going on there. Anyway, I’m going to give you a choice. If you end your relationship with the evil Sauron, I will donate 10 grand of my own money to charities that support queer hobbits in football.”

2034: Giant Country

As a public service broadcaster, the BBC decides that it has a responsibility not just to show the matches but to educate viewers about the important issues surrounding Fifa’s latest controversial choice of venue: the land where the giants live in Roald Dahl’s The BFG.

Gary Lineker: “I’m afraid we aren’t going to be showing you the opening ceremony. Partly this is because, at the BBC, we unreservedly condemn the host nation’s appalling record on human rights. But it’s also because our entire camera crew has just been swallowed by the Fleshlumpeater.”

2038: The Death Star

Former England full-back Gary Neville, an outspoken supporter of progressive causes, is accused of hypocrisy after he accepts a lucrative contract to work as a pundit on Galactic Empire TV.

Neville: “The whole reason I took the job was so that I can use this huge platform to speak out against Darth Vader. At least, I’m trying to, anyway. But every time I open my mouth to criticise his disgraceful treatment of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia and the Ewoks, my throat starts to feel weirdly tight and I can’t speak.”

2042: The Upside Down 

Despite agreeing to join ITV’s commentary team, former Republic of Ireland midfielder Roy Keane argues live on air that the nightmarish alternate dimension from Stranger Things is a completely unsuitable setting for a major international football tournament.

Keane: “Look, we just shouldn’t be having the World Cup in a place like this. First, countless people have died here. Second, the atmosphere’s terrible. And third, the Demogorgon keeps running onto the pitch and eating the players.”

2046: Hell

After Fifa’s latest decision is widely described as its worst yet, a spokesman for the hosts fights back.

Satan: “Quite frankly, I’m sick of all this virtue-signalling. You might not like the way we do things in Hell, but anyone who comes here has got to respect our culture and follow our customs. And that means burning in the flames of eternal torment while demons poke you with pointy sticks.”