What an incredible story this would be. According to a national newspaper, an unnamed friend of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex says the couple would “readily accept” an invitation to spend Christmas with the Royal family at Sandringham. 

It’s certainly a heartwarming suggestion. For the sake of all concerned, however, we’d better hope that no such invitation is forthcoming – because I fear that the King would soon regret it. As everyone knows, even the happiest of families can end up rowing at Christmas, never mind families that are already at one another’s throats.

And then there’s the risk that the Sussexes would give a tell-all television interview to Oprah Winfrey afterwards. Just imagine… 

Oprah: “So you guys spent Christmas with Harry’s folks back in England. You must have been so thrilled when King Charles asked you over.”

Meghan: “We were. Christmas has always been such a special time for me. Santa is actually a really close friend of mine. As a little girl, I was just so humbled by his work as a philanthropist and humanitarian, bringing hope to all the children of the world. And that was a big inspiration for the kind of compassionate global activism I do today.”

Oprah: “That’s so wonderful. And so how did it go with Harry’s family?”

Harry: “It was a complete disaster.”

Oprah: “Oh no. What happened?”

Harry: “It started when I asked William if he’d like to pull a cracker with me. It was my cracker, so he should have let me win. I mean, that’s the rule of cracker-pulling, everyone knows that. But he pulled really hard, so he won. And then he put the paper crown on his head. Like he was trying to really rub it in that he’s going to be king, and I’m only the spare.”

Oprah: “How awful. I can’t believe anyone could be so insensitive.”

Harry: “But that wasn’t all. Inside the cracker was a tiny plastic comb. And just because he won, he insisted on keeping it. Even though he doesn’t need a comb. Whereas I still do. Just about.”

Oprah: “Harry, I’m so sorry that that happened to you. It must have been so traumatic. But Meghan, what about you? Were you able to patch things up with the other royals?”

Meghan: “No. Not after the really upsetting Christmas present they gave me. You won’t believe what it was.”

Oprah: “Go on.”

Meghan: “It was a Barbie princess doll.”

Oprah: “Oh my God. That is so insulting.”

Meghan: “I know. Because I’ve already got the Barbie princess doll. And I’d specifically asked for the Barbie Dreamhouse Playset. It’s just yet more proof that they never listen to me.”

Oprah: “Wow.”

Harry: “Obviously we were both really unhappy, and wanted to leave. But then my dad tried to calm things down by suggesting a nice festive game of charades. So we agreed to stay.”

Oprah: “That must have taken so much strength and courage.”

Harry: “But then William took the first go. He did the sign for a book. Then the sign for ‘title, one word’. And then he started miming someone screaming and wailing and crying their eyes out. I was absolutely furious. ‘Hey!’ I shouted. ‘You’re blatantly doing Spare! My book!’”

Oprah: “Unbelievable.”

Harry: “He looked really puzzled, and said, ‘No I’m not. It’s Misery, by Stephen King.’ But I wasn’t falling for that. So we walked straight out, and caught the first private jet home.”