Perfect Match

Week 3 (Episodes 9-12) Season 1 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

Perfect Match

Week 3 (Episodes 9-12) Season 1 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

Chloe just can’t get Shayne out of her head, and I’m sure Mitchell calling penises “hooters” only sends her further into Shayne’s arms.

The night before Chloe and Mitch hit the board room, the house strips down and skinny-dips. We learn about Damian’s Magic Mike (he went by Magic Mark) past, and Francesca and Kariselle make out in the pool. This makes Abbey very angry. Abbey doesn’t seem ready to be on this show. She got married young, then divorced, and is still figuring it all out. Abbey is trying to figure out Francesca’s motivation for kissing Kariselle. Let me make it easy: Her motivation is that she’s a schemer and treats this show like Survivor. Mitch tells Dom he’s going to pursue Georgia — good luck with that — and Chloe pairs herself up with Shayne. They also send Diamond on a date with Bartise. Ugh.

Chloe and Shayne play with a monkey named Keisha while rekindling things. Chloe reassures Shayne that he wasn’t her second choice; she just had to confirm that things with Mitch were over for good. If Shayne’s one thing, it’s insecure, so I’m sure this issue will come back to bite them in the ass. There’s nothing to say about Bartise and Diamond’s date except that bringing this boy back was a huge mistake.

Back at the house, Kariselle and Francesca have a mean-girls sesh to talk shit about Abbey, whom Fran now calls a “waste of time.” Abbey and Francesca have a one-on-one conversation in which Abbey admits she’s “fragile.” Again, this girl really shouldn’t be on reality TV. Will also tries something with Francesca. Honestly, these two are a perfect match, in the sense that they’re both playing 3-D chess while the rest of the cast is stuck in checkers mode.

Damian is still hung up on Francesca, and Ines is over it. She launches into a lecture on the difference between good love and bad love and confirms that Damian is attracted to bad love. She’s escorting herself out of the house. Everyone is begging her to stay, but … why would she? For whom? Au revoir, Ines! You were always too chic for this show.

Georgia gives Mitchell a much-needed reality check when he tries to go for her, and he ends up leaving, wiggie in hand. Diamond and Will also depart. Bartise and Abbey find each other. I wouldn’t call these two perfect, but they’re certainly a match. Abbey saves face when recapping to Bartise what went down with Francesca by insisting she was the one who broke things off. Sure, Jan. Then they make out.

Tonight’s couples:

• Chloe and Shayne, who turn off the robo camera in their room
• Francesca and Damian
• Kariselle and Joey
• Georgia and Dom
• Abbey and Bartise

We have made it to our final challenge! I literally don’t remember how we got here, and I still don’t know what the winning couple will receive. This challenge serves as a check-in. Are these couples on the same page regarding marriage, sex, relocation, etc.? Surprising no one, Joey and Kariselle win. Also surprising no one is Abbey (wrongly) believing Bartise would relocate for her and (also wrongly) believing Bartise thinking they’re a perfect match.

Abbey and Bartise have a serious discussion post-challenge. She insists that, by “perfect match,” she just means that she fucks with Bartise. Whatever helps you sleep at night, girl. They arrive at the shaky conclusion that they’re actually in sync (sorry) but just interpreted the questions differently. I truly don’t know how else you can decipher “Is this person your perfect match?” Abbey also proves herself to be a prude when the house discusses the questions posed to them. She haughtily declares that she doesn’t think anyone would be down for an open marriage when Francesca chimes in that she wants one, actually. “That’s just not how I operate,” Abbey says. I’m so over this holier-than-thou act. You’re on a reality-TV speed-dating show.

Joey and Kariselle are in love and eating snow cones, blah, blah, blah, and then decide to enact full-blown chaos in the boardroom. They set up Abbey with a familiar face, Nick, and Bartise with LC (Love Is Blind). Abbey seems to have put all her eggs in the Bartise basket because she tells Nick she’s still feeling her former match. Bartise and LC try on fedoras, and he mentions that he’s comfortable with his current match, Abbey, but in the same breath says the house changes so fast and anything can happen.

If Kariselle and Francesca are the founding members of the mean-girl committee, Chloe and Georgia are girls’ girls who just wanna have fun. Chloe enlists Georgia to help her win Shayne back. Shayne’s love language is words of affirmation, and she needs him to know he’s the one. “You’re going to write him a poem?” Georgia asks. “No. Even better. A rap,” Chloe replies. The two spend their day hard at work, writing and rewriting verses. Screw these guys; I want them to end up together! Imagining them rehearsing together is so pure. When they finally perform their raps, I’m absolutely giggling. I love these girls!

The dates return, and LC immediately wants the house gossip. Francesca and Damian admit that their relationship has been a roller coaster, Kariselle grills Abbey over Nick versus Bartise, and Shayne threatens to rip Nick’s heart out, mess his teeth up, and knock his brains out of his skull if he tries to get with Chloe. Okay … Nick, meanwhile, says he’s had his eye on LC. The two have an Instagram DM history and talk about it, which is awkward for everyone (especially us viewers). They’re very much giving sexually active band geeks. I am also curious about Abbey’s green dress and what I think is a Free People halter bralette. Is this 2014? I know contestants have to style themselves on reality shows, but this is bleak.

LC tells Shayne, out of nowhere, that she would be insecure if she were in his shoes. Sounds like projection, girly pop! This, of course, sends Shayne into a spiral and launches a late-night lover’s quarrel between him and Chloe. From what I gather, he’s most hurt about the fact that Chloe jumped into the private-suite plunge pool with Mitchell after choosing him over Shayne, splashing Shayne, who was down below in the process. He accuses her of celebrating his departure. This is a leap. Obviously, Chloe wasn’t celebrating you leaving; she was celebrating Mitch staying. And she wasn’t pouring buckets of water over Shayne Carrie style. Nothing she says can convince Shayne she wasn’t celebrating him leaving the house. He’s obsessed with this idea and won’t let it go. Chloe goes upstairs because clearly the conversation isn’t getting anywhere, and Shayne chalks that up to her giving up when things get hard. Nick and Kariselle tell him to shed his ego and follow her. Stop self-sabotaging, they plead. When Chloe requests that they talk about it in the morning, Shayne threatens to leave (again), and Dom talks him down. How many times has this man threatened to walk out? I can’t keep track. He’s in the thick of catastrophic thinking now, flinging out judgments about Chloe being with two people that quickly. Dom literally laughs and reminds Shayne he was with two people before Chloe too. Yes, this is drama, but it’s much too dark. I’m concerned about how Shayne handles insecurity, and it’s not enjoyable to watch. How are we supposed to root for Chloe and Shayne after that little show? Chloe ends up sleeping with Dom and Georgia, and the night simply wraps up.

The matches:

• Abbey and Bartise
• Kariselle and Joey
• Georgia and Dom
• LC and Nick
• Francesca and Damian
• Chloe and Shayne … ?

The next morning, Shayne and Chloe sort it all out. He apologizes for how he handled their fight and admits to self-sabotaging. He claims he’s just really afraid of heartbreak and the only way he can protect himself is by lashing out. All Chloe wants is an apology, so they seem good to go for now?

Now that the challenges are over, there’s a new twist: All our old friends are returning to wreak havoc and hopefully break up couples before crowning the winner. Mitchell seems drunk already, and Chase is donning the TikTok uniform of a fanny pack, bucket hat, and dangly earring. Francesca’s sworn nemesis, Savannah, is eyeing Damian, and I just want to tell her to let it rest. Damian, who I think is wasted, chats up Savannah and Anne-Sophie. Savannah attempts to fill in Damian with her feud with Francesca, but babe, he doesn’t care. Francesca clocks the conversation and is pissed. She vents to Will and confirms she was eye fucking him the whole time he was in the house. Will asks if she even feels 75 percent certain about her relationship with Damian. It’s obvious she doesn’t, but she says she promised to give the relationship “the full go,” whatever that means. Will cuts his losses and tries for Abbey, who rebuffs him out of loyalty to Bartise. This comes back to bite her in the ass: Bartise swaps her out at the last minute for Izzy, the girl he initially blindsided.

Bartise sits Abbey down like she’s a literal child in the most condescending tone possible and reminds her that he was going to have conversations with people tonight and that he and Izzy have history. He tells Abbey that it’s highly, highly, likely he’ll choose her. Abbey is like, Wait, hold up, I thought we were on the same page? She’s been swerving guys left and right! She could have been living her best single life! He misses this point entirely and essentially calls Abbey a controlling shrew for being mad that he’s been talking to other girls. This is literally not what she’s mad about! She’s mad at you for flipping the script. He is such a prick! Abbey tells him he’s going to look like such a dick (true), and he says he doesn’t care about how he looks, he cares only about how he feels. And then! And then he has the gall to use her words against her.

Let’s rewind: Earlier in the day, Bartise tries to hook up with Abbey in their bedroom. She reminds him of the camera in their suite and says … let’s not. Completely understandable. I mean, yes, you’re on reality TV, but I also understand not wanting Netflix to inadvertently air your sex tape. Cut to tonight: Bartise tells Abbey she’s the one who’s obsessed with how she comes across onscreen, citing her not wanting to fuck him and being worried about her mom and sister think of her for doing the show. Abbey is stunned. Shocked! She told him these things in confidence, and now he’s weaponizing them against her. She says, “Bye, loser,” and runs over to the group, reporting that Bartise is a total shithead. Bartise meanwhile runs over to Izzy and says, “It’s me and you right now. I’m picking you.” Yeah, no fucking shit — you just got kicked to the curb by your other option.

Nick is also channeling big-douche energy. He maintains that Francesca’s in the back of his mind, despite matching with LC. Francesca immediately rejects his attempt to get with her, so back to LC he goes. Nick needs to stop subscribing to this “grass is always greener” mentality. Nerds who undergo a glow-up are the most dangerous of them all.

Damian is head over heels for Francesca and brings him up to their room, which is littered with rose petals. He asks her to be his girlfriend, and … this can’t be good. She whispers for him to sit down. Oh, this isn’t good. She says he’s the best match for her in the house, but she doesn’t think they’ll make it in the real world. She claims they never have in-depth conversations and don’t know each other deep down. Francesca must have had an inkling that they wouldn’t be deemed the house’s perfect match and decided to make an exit with a splash. They’re over. After all of that! Kariselle is wasted and sobbing, and Francesca is planning on texting her ex, who I’m sure is Jesse Sullivan.

Our final pairings:

• Georgia and Dom
• Chloe and Shayne (who wasn’t at all jealous even with Mitchell around!)
• Kariselle and Joey
• LC and Nick
• Izzy and Bartise

It’s the last day, and each couple gets their own day date. Nick and LC are both punny nerds, but they live in different states, and he admits that he doesn’t consider her his perfect match. Next! Izzy and Bartise are never going to work. Is Dallas to Manchester even a flight route? She’s only 22, and he allegedly wants kids in the next four to six years. Izzy says they work in the house but not on the outside. Next!

Chloe confesses to Shayne that she’s had some serious doubts, but she wants to make it work. I think these two crazy kids might just make it! Dom and Georgia, on the other hand? They seem to think they’ll make it, but I don’t have confidence that they’ll weather the storm that is international long distance. I’ve also seen blind items that say Georgia is back with her ex Harry Jowsey and was spotted with him in Hawaii.

The way Kariselle talks about Joey is very much giving wedding vows of the girl who bullied you in high school. Literally. He proposes! I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I am! He even called her dad, allegedly? Are they still together? Did they get married? I have a million questions, and social media isn’t giving me any hard answers, only hints.

It’s finale time, and our final five couples are subjected to a Survivor-style panel. Because God rewards, this quickly becomes a Bartise bash. Abbey relays what went down between them, completely blowing up Bartise’s spot in the process. Francesca chimes in, saying that what Bartise did to Abbey he also did to Izzy. Chase tries to defend Bartise, as does Izzy, but when Nick asks the couple if they’ve found their perfect match, they both say “no.”

LC and Nick are boring and admit they didn’t find their perfect match, moving on.

Mitchell is heated about Chloe and Shayne and also asserts that he and Shayne are similar people. Chloe says, “Actually, Mitchell, there’s a lot of differences between you and Shayne. For example, you wanted me to wait eight to 15 years for marriage in order to have sex.” The woman was too stunned to speak. Ines rushes to their defense, saying they’re flawless. They tell Nick they’ve found their perfect match, and I honestly believe it.

Dom and Georgia also say they’ve found their perfect match but not before Chase comes for Georgia. It’s fine, though, because Georgia drags him for filth. Her speech telling him off will go down in Netflix history right next to The Irishman.

Joey and Kariselle reveal their engagement, and Chase clarifies that Kariselle is a 10/10 kisser. Great, great, great, let’s move on to voting. The pacing of this part feels very rushed. We also finally find out the grand prize: a weeklong, all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world. Okay, but what’s the actual price limit? $10,000? $20,000? $50,000? I need to read the fine print.

My money was on Joey and Kariselle, but the winners turn out to be none other than Dom and Georgia! And that’s the show! We made it! Ultimately, I don’t think this show sets anyone up for success when it comes to finding a genuine relationship. No one is from the same place, and they’re not given ample time to build sustainable, authentic connections. The only thing I care about now is what has happened since. I’m assuming they’ve all since broken up, but I’d like confirmation by way of a reunion episode. Until then, may we all blissfully forget we ever watched this fever dream of a show and recoup some mental real estate in the process.

Match Point

• At one point, someone asks Nick if he had Abbey on his list. What list? Did contestants rank one another? Did they hint to producers who they wanted to see in the house? I need more intel immediately.

• Speaking of producers, I hope they were listening when Francesca, Kariselle, and Abbey said they wanted a bisexual version of this show.

• Ines interpreting “railed like a whore” as “ho on the railroad” wins the best language-barrier-mixup moment.

Perfect Match Season-Finale Recap: Love It or Leave It