The definitive ranking of ‘Bully Beatdown’ episodes

(This story is part of the site-wide Sports and TV Week on The Athletic.)

MTV was at an all-time high in 2009 when it came to reality television. There was “Room Raiders,” a show in which men and women searched the home of their potential date in hopes of finding clues about what they were like. There was “My Super Sweet 16,” in which rich, bratty teenagers throw extravagant parties and whine when their parents give them a BMW and not a Ferrari. There was “Jersey Shore,” which featured self-proclaimed “guidos” from New Jersey who all got into a house and partied for the summer.

And then there was “Bully Beatdown.”

Hosted by professional MMA fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller, the show was centered around one focus: giving bullies a taste of their own medicine. Victims would send Miller a video detailing how horrible their tormenters had treated them, and in turn Miller would confront them in person, asking if they’d take a fight in a cage against an MMA fighter. If the bully lasted two full rounds (a grappling-only round and the other with striking), he or she would win money. If they didn’t? That money would go to the victims.

Along with Miller, “Big” John McCarthy appeared as the referee for every bout. And some episodes had fighters who were or would become stars, including Eddie Alvarez, Daniel Cormier, Tyron Woodley, Andrei Arlovski, Michelle Waterson and Jake Shields.

Let’s get this out of the way: The show was ridiculous. It was likely scripted. We don’t know whether these bullies were even bullies, or just paid actors who said they were. But it doesn’t matter. At a critical time, “Bully Beatdown” took a sport we all love and put it in front of people who largely knew nothing about it.

The following is my ranking of the top 10 episodes of the show. It is based on a scientific formula that combines: a) how dumb the bully is, b) how bad the bullying was, and c) how entertaining the fight was.

10. Jason: The Pretty-Boy Bully (Season 2)

Who was the bully? Jason, a pretty boy who “ruins (Brett’s) life.” Brett said the first time they met, he “bit the crap out of my arm.” Brett’s friend Josh, also bullied, met Jason in high school.

One day after gym class, Jason came up behind Josh in the locker room and gave him an atomic wedgie.

“My jockstrap went over my shoulders,” Josh said. “My underwear went over my head. It was the most excruciating pain I ever went through in my life.”

He says he was forced to get anal surgery.

Ouch.

Who was the MMA fighter? Jon Murphy, “a submission and muay Thai specialist” who fought for EliteXC and KOTC

Did the bully get beat down? Murphy took down Jason but within seconds he somehow was put on his back. No problem, though, as Murphy quickly transitioned and locked in an armbar. Jason, shockingly, isn’t a terrible wrestler. He took down Murphy once they both stood up. However, Murphy took his neck for a guillotine and then closed the first round with another armbar, earning the victims $3,000.

Murphy had some striking skills, but for the first three minutes, he didn’t do much damage to Jason. The bully was handling the shots fairly well and not feeling much power. But with 80 seconds left in the second round, Murphy landed two hard kicks to Jason’s liver, forcing him to hunch over. Murphy then came in for a couple of hard punches to Jason’s face, and the ref ended it early.

Quote of the episode: “‘Mayhem,’ I’m begging you: Please find someone big enough and bad enough to rip Jason a new one, just like he tore me.” — Brett

9. Christian: The Angry Couch Potato (Season 1)

Who was the bully? Christian, who for some reason just found enjoyment beating up his roommates.

“I ran into Christian on the wrong day,” Cameron said. “I now have a scar on my face that has been there for two years. Every day when I wake up and wash my face, I have to see this and think about this guy.”

Cameron gets picked on often for looking like Harry Potter. Or at least I’m guessing that. But it sucks, and his roommate is to blame. Just like Lord Voldemort, Christian deserves what’s coming to him.

Who was the MMA fighter? Conor Heun, a “former collegiate wrestler who holds a brown belt in jiu-jitsu” and who fought for the IFL, EliteXC and Strikeforce

Did the bully get beat down? Christian was taken down just 40 seconds into the bout before Heun got him to tap on an armbar. With two minutes left in the first round, he was slammed to the mat and had his back taken. Huen then secured a rear-naked choke and forced Christian to tap. He then gave up super easily to a standing guillotine.

Toward the end of the first round, Cameron yells, “Let him live! I want to see him get punched in the face!”

For good measure, before moving to the second round, in which striking is involved, Heun takes down Christian and cranks his neck a la Khabib Nurmagomedov against Conor McGregor. Similar to “The Notorious,” he taps out.

The second round had Christian just taking endless abuse. Sidekicks, head kicks, punches that connected squarely with his face. The ref had enough of this with 1:20 remaining and called it off.

“The thing about a body shot is it sends shockwaves into your entire body, making you want to curl up into the fetal position and weep,” “Mayhem” said afterward.

Quote of the episode: “The man doesn’t know anything about my skills. I’m a street fighter. He’s underestimating me.” — Christian, before getting destroyed

8. Kevin: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (Season 3)

Who was the bully? Kevin, a “wannabe greaser” who picks on his coworker Anthony. He looks like a lame version of Elvis Presley. He drives a retro car and uses way too much hair gel.

“He thinks he’s my boss, but he’s not,” Anthony said. “He’ll just punch me right into the armpit. I’m ready to see his face get pounded in.”

Kevin says his signature look helps him in fighting.

“Punches, kicks — nothing touches my hair,” Kevin says. “It’s like a shield. The grease is my secret weapon.”

Mayhem and Kevin place a side bet that if he doesn’t survive both rounds, he has to cut his hair. (Up the stakes!)

(Courtesy of MTV)

Who was the MMA fighter? Tyron Woodley, who was 7-0 at the time and on his way to becoming UFC welterweight champion

Did the bully get beat down? Of course. Before the fight started, Anthony told Tyron, “Get him bald for us, T-Wood!” Then he went to work.

Within seconds, Woodley had a double-leg takedown of Kevin. He went into side control, and rather than trying to submit his opponent, he just started messing up his hair. What a pro. He then choked him out.

With 3:40 remaining in the opening round, Woodley took down Kevin and immediately got his back. He then sank in both hooks and slapped on a rear-naked choke. Woodley did the exact same thing one minute later. He followed this up with a standing guillotine. Woodley almost got a leglock in the final seconds, but time expired.

In the second, Woodley unloaded several hard combinations of punches and leg kicks. After Anthony started to keel over after a body shot, Woodley landed a head kick that caused “Big” John to step in. The fight resumed, and Woodley needed just two punches to drop his opponent again. A left jab followed by a right to the face sent Anthony to the mat. He got up — but only to get his face beaten in by Woodley hooks. The fight was called early.

Quote of the episode: “I fear going to work because Kevin is going to be there,” Anthony said. “I want to be able to go to work without looking over my shoulder — or my armpit.”

7. Andy: Get The Poison Out (Season 3)

Who was the bully? Andy, the “King of Fresno,” who has bullied Steven and Taylor. Andy actually had caused family drama: He was dating Taylor’s sister. Andy claimed he’s just trying to help toughen up Steven and Taylor and that it was all out of the goodness of his own heart.

“You put them on a weight-lifting regimen?” “Mayhem” asked.

“No, I bash their faces in,” Andy responded.

Who was the MMA fighter? Jason “Mayhem” Miller. Yes, the host of the show decided to take it upon himself to fight the bully. This is like if Chris Harrison decided to join the cast of “The Bachelor.” Mind. Blown.

Was the bully beat down? Yes. Miller opened up by grabbing Andy’s neck and submitting him in 10 seconds via a standing guillotine. When fighting resumed, he literally picked Andy off the ground, slammed him to the mat, and finished him with a heel hook. Miller submitted Andy moments later with another standing guillotine. The fourth submission of the first two minutes occurred when both fighters went to the mat and Miller submitted Andy with a rear-naked choke. The round ended with three minutes remaining after Miller slammed Andy to the ground and secured a head-and-arm choke.

The striking round opened with Miller dropping Andy with a knee to the liver. Once he was up, he got leveled by a hard right jab to the face, and the ref stepped in.

Quote of the episode: “Of all the douchebags, how does it feel to be the biggest one that I have to take on myself?” — “Mayhem” to Andy

6. Mike: Creatine Rage (Season 3)

Who was the bully? Mike, a 5-foot-4 meathead from the Bronx who had picked on Lorenzo and Joey since high school.

“I’ve been putting up with this for 10 years,” Lorenzo said. “I’ll be doing curls at the gym, and he’ll come out of nowhere and throw a hot paper towel in front of my face.”

Added Joey: “He’s like a Napoleonic Jose Canseco without the money problems.”

Who was the MMA fighter? Eddie Alvarez, who already had won Bellator, BodogFight and MFC titles, and who was on his way to a UFC belt

Did the bully get beat down? Duh. Alvarez slammed him to the mat within 10 seconds, and moments later submitted him with an arm-triangle choke. After fighting resumed, Alvarez took him down and went for a leglock, though the bully miraculously escaped it. Alvarez, who was clearly upset he let that happen, then took Mike’s back and secured a rear-naked choke for the second submission of the round. Moments later Alvarez dragged Mike to the mat for an armbar. After a triangle choke a minute later, the bully claimed he “can’t breathe” but would continue on as the crowd chants, “One! More! Time!”

Alvarez whipped out a Peruvian necktie for his fifth submission in two minutes of fighting. All $5,000 went to the victims.

Quote of the episode: “All the creatine in the world won’t stop this beatdown from coming.” — “Mayhem”

5. Wes: The Meat-Stick Bully (Season 2)

Who is the bully? Wes, an Irish-Texan, was a customer at a fast-food restaurant. The only problem was he didn’t just eat the food; he antagonized one of the employees, Chris.

“He’s a big, huge hockey player who throws fries and burgers at me,” Chris said. “Once he tried to run me over with his car.”

Who was the MMA fighter? Tony “The Gun” Bonello, a KOTC champion who later fought for EliteXC and ONE Championship

Did the bully get beat down? Sort of. After an initial struggle, Wes was tripped to the mat, and Bonello was in full mount a minute into the bout. Bonnello easily tapped him out with an arm-triangle choke. About 30 seconds later, he did it again. Wes apparently didn’t train enough jiu-jitsu in his one total class. With seconds remaining in the round, Bonello sank in a standing guillotine that forces another tap-out.

And here’s where it gets interesting.

In the second round, in which strikes are allowed, Wes somehow developed a punch and dropped Bonnello with a straight right hand. I’m not sure this has ever happened in the history of the show. What a turn of events!

Bonnello, clearly pissed after getting punched hard by an amateur, then went for the kill. He finished Wes with a head-kick KO with a little more than one minute remaining. Wes, clearly dazed, can’t continue.

“Do you remember getting in the ring?” the medic asked Wes.

“I don’t remember anything,” Wes responded.

For some reason, in “Bully Beatdown” land, you’re not allowed to kick an opponent in the head. It’s illegal and thus Bonnello lost the fight via disqualification.

“Mayhem” handed $6,000 to Wes, but the bully shockingly handed it back.

“A knockout is a knockout,” he said.

Quote of the episode: “I throw fries and burgers at that kid all day long, and he doesn’t say one word. You know why? Because he’s a scared little bitch. Yeehaw!” — Wes

4. Eriq: The Bum Rapper (Season 1)

Who was the bully? Eriq, a wannabe rapper who “tortures any guy who tries to date (his ex) Linda.” He’s been aggressive toward any guy she is seen with and also owes her a lot of money. He borrowed her car once and crashed it, fleeing the scene and never paying her back for the damages.

Mayhem goes on to meet Eriq — what kind of spelling is that? — who was dropping some of the lamest bars I’ve ever heard.

“Everything is just all right because we can do this all night!”

He deserves to get beaten up for his horrible rapping alone.

Who was the MMA fighter? Jon Murphy (his first of two “Bully Beatdown” appearances and his second entry on this list)

Did the bully get beat down? At the 2:30 mark, Murphy slammed Eriq to the mat, flattens him out, and submitted him via rear-naked choke. Later in the round, Murphy took full mount and transitioned to an armbar, forcing the bully to tap out. With one minute remaining in the round, Eriq was tripped and taken to the canvas. Murphy forced him to tap via neck crank as time expired.

The second round did not last long. Murphy landed about 10 unanswered punches to Eriq’s face. Eriq then stepped back and claimed his shoulder popped out, which ended the bout early.

“We finally found something Eriq is worse at than rapping: fighting!” “Mayhem” says.

Quote of the episode: “Keep your SkyTel pager on; I’ll be in contact.” — “Mayhem” to Eriq

3. Dennis: The Neighborhood Menace (Season 1)

Who was the bully? Dennis, who was either at the gym pumping iron or out punking kids. He shoved Andrey over a railing into a forest, injuring his eye.

Stan, Andrey’s friend, was jumped by Dennis as he was skateboarding.

“I ended up breaking my hand,” Stan said. “Bones popped out and everything. Dennis didn’t pay for anything, and he claimed it was an accident.”

Who was the MMA fighter? Thomas “Wildman” Denny, a KOTC champ who fought everyone from Georges St-Pierre to Pat Miletich to Nick Diaz during his career

(Courtesy of MTV)

Did he get beat down? Yes and no. Denny had Dennis in full mount or side control most of the opening round but couldn’t get a submission. Everyone, including “Mayhem,” looked shocked. Dennis must have taken an extra class on ground defense before showing up for the fight.

The second round, which permitted striking, was a bit better for Denny. He opened by landing a hard body kick and heavy punching combinations. Dennis didn’t land one punch at all — the ref had to yell “punch back!” — but he just took the beating until the final bell.

The bully, having lasted both rounds, earned all $10,000.

“He took more hits than Google,” “Mayhem” said.

Quote of the episode: “‘Mayhem’ was impressed. He probably has never met a dude who was a natural like me.” — Dennis

2. Amanda: Two Girls, One Cage (Season 3)

Who was the bully? Amanda, a co-worker of Keiko

“The biggest bitch on earth,” Keiko said. “Her entire life revolves around making my life hell.”

Keiko told a story about putting some accessories on the top rack at their store using a ladder. Amanda pushed the ladder, causing Keiko to fall to the ground.

“I don’t even want to go to work anymore because of her,” Keiko said.

Who was the MMA fighter? Michelle “The Karate Hottie” Waterson, a Strikeforce fighter at the time and a future UFC star

Did the bully get beatdown? Yes. Waterson walked into the cage, looked Amanda right in the eyes, and said, “I’m gonna fuck your ass up.” She did that and more.

Ten seconds into the bout, Waterson took her down and submitted Amanda with a rear-naked choke. Twenty seconds later, she slammed Amanda to the mat and finished her with an armbar. She went on to do this, with ease, three more times to give Keiko $5,000 after the first round.

Michelle opened the second round by immediately attacking Amanda’s lead leg, chopping it down like a tree. Then she went to work with her fists. Waterson landed hooks at will before the fight ended early after Waterson dropped Amanda with a right jab to the face.

Quote of the episode: “The three most important landmarks of the last 50 years? The moon landing. The election of President Obama. And tonight’s episode of ‘Bully Beatdown.’ Why? Two words: Female. Bully.” — “Mayhem”

1. Jonathan: The Rollerblade Bully (Season 1)

Who was the bully? Jonathan, a roommate of Sergio and Jason, whom they call “a nut.” Sergio, a single father, said Jonathan “charged me twice as much as my normal rent during Christmas time” and kicked him and his son out of the apartment.

“He’s just a bully,” Jason said. “I’ve tried countless times to stand up to him, and countless times I’ve ended up in the hospital.”

Wow. Doubling the rent and kicking a single father and his son out during Christmas? Does this bully have a heart?

Here’s the other ridiculous aspect: Jonathan thought he was a professional rollerblader. “Mayhem” and the roommates confront him at an indoor skate park, where he is backed up by a bunch of fellow losers on skates.

Who was the MMA fighter? Jake Shields, who held a 22-4-1 record and an EliteXC title at the time

(Courtesy of MTV)

Did the bully get beat down? Shields took him down and within about 10 seconds locked in an armbar that forced Jonathan to tap. With 1:45 to go in the first round, Shields took full mount and then transitioned into another armbar. And one minute later, another one. This dude clearly missed the “how to avoid an armbar” tutorial in his lone MMA class.

At the beginning of Round 2, Shield lands a hard kick to the bully’s body and follows with a hard right hand to his face. The ref steps in to stop the action. Jonathan asks to continue, and seconds later he is dropped with a short right, forcing the bully to quit in the cage.

“During the striking round, Jake put him on crazy legs!” “Mayhem” said. “He looked like a baby deer.”

Quote of the episode: “Nice of you to bring the whole hockey team out,” Mayhem said to Jonathan and his squad.

“We’re aggressive in-line skaters,” Jonathan responded. “Get it right!”

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(Top photo: Courtesy of MTV)