The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Char-lotta Drama Season 9 Episode 9 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Char-lotta Drama Season 9 Episode 9 Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

There are a few things I want to leave in 2016: thinkpieces about AAVE, those weird clear ankle booties (ain’t your feet sweaty?), and Matt Jordan. HOLY BEJESUS. Has any man ever been worth it? Everyone is bending over backwards to continue to expose Kenya to Matt while saying they should be kept apart. Kenya and Cynthia pretend to wash their dogs so they can talk about Matt. Peter invites Matt to his club opening … and then invites Kenya to host his club opening. At least Kandi and Phaedra are still stalking each other like wolves in the wild, so their storyline is a nice reprieve from the nightmarescape that is Matt and Kenya.

Cynthia and Kenya and Peter and whatever man-child that’s helping him indulge his “single guy” fantasies are prepping for Peter’s club opening in nightlife capital, Charlotte, North Carolina. Kenya is going to host the nightclub opening and Peter is buying a car that costs as much as my condo. Literally. Actually. That’s real. Why do they post the prices of everything everyone buys on this show? Cynthia wasn’t invited, but she’s gonna go anyway because everyone is about being as messy as possible. Peter invited Matt to the opening because I guess they’re friends? I’m sure this will all end smoothly.

Meanwhile, Todd and Kandi are roasting each other in their living room when Todd notices that one of Kandi’s former employees posted a picture of the whole Kandi Factory and a shady comment. Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all analyzed every word of an Instagram comment, but these people have CHILDREN. Like old children. They “own” businesses. They’re too old to be parsing out the meaning of a former employee’s subtweets. Plus, Kandi still works with him to coordinate some of her events. Maybe my dad is right. Maybe we do need to shut down the internet. It’s causing too many problems. Because Kandi’s ponytail is attached too tight, she doesn’t just think, “Hmm, maybe my employee is blowing off a little steam and I should just let this one go.” No. That’s not what Kandi does. She’s going to confront him at work. In front of other people. I’m sure THIS will end smoothly.

Porsha doesn’t have a lot to do this episode. She’s packing up her house and setting up nostalgic montages of old photoshoots and tossing her engagement ring to champagne glasses. Her brother stops by to bring her some boxes and they clean up the leftovers of their mother’s sex romp. She invited her boyfriend over to pack up Porsha’s house and left out cans of whipped cream. I like Porsha’s mom’s style. Porsha is going to move back in with her mom for a while until she closes on a house. She’s looking at $1.8 million townhouses because she’s going to have a family soon. Umm … her Todd said that he might not be so interested in having kids so soon, but whatever. Where delusion and real-estate dreams intersect lies Porsha.

Sheree goes to see her publisher because, according to Sheree, “I have some of the best tea so who else would write the juiciest novel of the year but MOI!” There’s just no way to argue with that logic. Sheree’s book is titled Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Pieces of Hotlanta. I need to read this book, write the film based on this book, and then star in the film adaptation of this book. Sheree is excited for her novel to come out, but she’s a little nervous because some of the characters are based on people she knows. By some, I mean all. It’s all a thinly veiled account of the drama and scandal that exists in Atlanta. So she transcribed a season of the television show she appears on? I thought I was slick recapping television, but Sheree, once again, has me beat. She reveals to Bob that one of the characters is based on them while they do parkour and he wants an advanced copy and some royalties.

Kandi heads off to her Bedroom Kandi convention to inspire some of her consultants! They get to keep 60 percent of their sales! There’s a new toy aimed at same sex couples! (Okay, that last one does actually sound pretty cool.) Kandi finds Johnnie, the former assistant, hiding in a conference room trying to arrange pamphlets without meeting her eyeline. Unfortunately, no one can hide from Kandi when Kandi is ready to strike. She brings up the Instagram post and wants to know why he feels some kind of way when he’s been perfectly happy to cash her checks. Johnnie looks a little self-satisfied to know he’s gotten under Kandi’s skin and just insists he wanted to be dismissed as her assistant with a little more dignity. I wish I hadn’t been dumped by two separate dudes in their beds while nude but here we are, Johnnie. Kandi thinks Johnnie is being a little ungrateful and doesn’t take too kindly to being called fake. She continued to hire Johnnie to work her events after she fired him as her assistant, but NO MORE! Kandi tells him that this will be the last time they work together and his smug little ass isn’t smiling anymore. Kandi whips her ponytail around as she cackles and it helicopters her out of the room. Johnnie gets the last laugh, though, because he goes to Phaedra’s office to sue Kandi and Phaedra lives for the pettiness.

Porsha sneaks Todd into her mom’s house. Yeah, these two are ready for a baby. Porsha thinks the time is almost right for them to start sleeping together again so she SAGE SMUDGES HIS DICK. This show operates on another level of amazingness and hilarity. If only I knew that smudging a dude’s dick was a spiritual and emotional option available to me, maybe I wouldn’t have been dumped while in the nude so many times.

While Cynthia and Kenya are getting ready to head to Peter’s nightclub opening, Matt starts texting Kenya that she’ll regret pushing him away or calling the police. The only way she’ll be safe is if she opens her arms to him and comes crawling back. Yikes. Double. Triple. Quadruple yikes. Cynthia doesn’t think Kenya should go because even though Peter cancelled Matt’s ticket to Charlotte, Matt is driving down to Charlotte. Everyone needs to LEAVE.

Cynthia heads to Peter’s opening wearing a DRESS. She’s wearing all white and looks flawless. Peter hallucinates briefly that she’s an ice cream cone. While Cynthia tries to explain Kenya’s absence, she pulls up out front just as Matt rolls up to her car. Matt slaps her driver in the face and sprints off. Peter calls Matt to find out what happened and Matt says the driver tried to roll the window up on his neck so he had to slap him. Sure. Sure. Obviously. Matt also insists that Kenya keeps pulling him in, then pushing him away and manipulating the situation.

Are we done? Can we be done? Can we just let Matt go? THIS IS GOING TO END TERRIBLY AND IT’S NOT FUN.

After Kenya and Matt drive off into the sunset, Peter asks Cynthia if she wants to come back to his place. Oooooooh Peter, read the mood, sir.

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