The Real Housewives of Miami

Hot Mic in Miami Season 5 Episode 4 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

The Real Housewives of Miami

Hot Mic in Miami Season 5 Episode 4 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

Lisa Barlow who? Of all the Real Housewives hot mics that we’ve ever had (Luann and the pirate, Cynthia talking shit about NeNe, LeeAnne and the boys at the Round-Up), leave it to Miami to find us the hottest one of all. Not since Joe Giudice was at a winery talking to his girlfriend about his “cunt wife” have we heard a husband of one of the Housewives talk so explicitly about their relationship and about how it’s going to end so badly.

Before we get to Lenny though, it seems like, when it comes to Lisa, the show wants to have its cake and eat it too. It’s doing everything it can to show Lisa as a kind of dummy who had no idea it was happening. We see her outside talking to Julia about her relationship and saying that she and Lenny have their ups and downs but they’re on an upswing. We saw her last episode talking about how Larsa is freshly divorced after 20 years (though separated for like ten) and how she could never imagine herself in that position. She is warning other women off of flirting with her man when he’s clearly gotten himself a hot body just so he can fuck some new, younger woman. It’s playing Lisa for a fool.

But, on the same show, the women keep saying that there must be something else going on with Lisa. She’s being so defensive in her fight with Larsa, they all wonder what is behind it and the implication is that her marriage is falling apart. So is Lisa lashing out because she feels her husband slipping away from her or is she completely oblivious and about to be blindsided by a man whose face is stretched tighter than Kate Gosselin’s budget?

What is obvious is that, well, Lenny has no idea how microphones work and has never watched an episode of the Real Housewives. His friend Vito, a real-life Johnny Bravo, asks if he’s mic’d up. “Yeah, that’s why I’m whispering,” Lenny says. Um, what? Does he think that will be enough? Doesn’t he know that if the sound techs hear him whispering he might as well have just called Ghostbusters because they are coming to kill you and then capture your spirit in a trap?

What did Lenny say? Oh, you guys saw it. He told his friend Vito that in a few months he is going to be single and that he wants to divorce Lisa. He also says he isn’t sleeping with Lisa because if he did he feels like he would be cheating on the person he really cares about. It’s over for Lisa. It is officially over. She’s outside talking about how they put their dog Jax down and how Lenny was crying and he’s such an emotional person. Meanwhile, he’s inside telling his bro that he’s screwing some other lady and about to divorce his wife. He’s even doing it in earshot of his son. Hashtag “Yes, all men, including myself — I am an asshole.”

While that was obviously the biggest event of this four-part premiere, it is actually the smallest part of the episode. (And I don’t know if my doctor secretly upped my Lexapro or something, but I am loving this season so far.) We got more insight into Julia and Martina’s relationship and it does not seem to be going well. Martina only wants to live in Miami Beach and Julia only wants to live on the farm. Also, Martina is traveling all the time, and now that Julia’s kids are gone, she is bored and lonely without her.

It seems like Julia just needs to get over having an empty house, but she tells us she never thinks she’s going to adjust. Well, she better because that is how people turn into hoarders. She already has 100 goats (including one she brings to a doggy birthday party), 300 chickens, and enough parrots that the Miami house should not feel empty at all. She is about one year away from having saved every piece of mail that has ever come through her door. She has to adjust. She must! That is how life works. She also needs to figure out her relationship because the two of them seem to both want different things and there is no compromise in sight. I think Julia thinks that her staying in Miami Beach and complaining about it is a compromise, but it is really a passive-aggressive stopgap and nothing more.

Martina isn’t totally right in this either, though. “What have I gotten myself into?” she asks when Julia wants to talk about her feelings. Um, you’ve gotten yourself into life. You’ve gotten yourself into having a partner. You’ve gotten yourself into the most mundane dilemma you can possibly imagine and thinking that you’re somehow better than it is only going to sink you deeper than a leaden G-string at Lisa’s pool party.

Larsa had a birthday party on the beach for her dog King (all of the dogs getting their own title cards was a stroke of editorial genius), and there were a lot of developments there. Larsa and Lisa officially squashed their beef, Adriana looked like a giant hypocrite for telling Larsa she is getting a Brazilian butt lift, and Lisa’s dog Leo went around the party peeing on everyone’s bags. I love this Leo. He was like, “Eat this doggy cupcake? Fuck that. I am here to EAT THE RICH!!!”

The most important thing that happened, at least for me, was that it elucidated what I don’t like about Alexia. Before she arrives, she says, “I’ve never been to a dog’s birthday party or any animal’s birthday party. I’ve only celebrated human beings’ birthday parties. Does King really know we’re celebrating him? No. Just give him a bone and he’s good.” Alexia is saying this like she is better than a doggy party. We’re on the Real Housewives. Dogs get parties, funerals, weddings — just about anything they want, really. You know if Marysol had this idea Alexia would be all, “This is so cute. Marysol is so wild. She’s always thinking out of the box.” Alexia doesn’t seem to believe in anything. She is just against things and she is only against the things of people she doesn’t like. I find it smarmy.

Equally smarmy is when she gets upset that Larsa is bringing up her Halo dog collar at the party, which is clearly the reason she threw it. Alexia is all, “Why does it always have to be about your business?” This is from the woman who films half of her scenes in her place of business. Also, Larsa learned about branding and marketing at the feet of literal economic genius Kris Jenner. You aren’t going to pay attention? Bitch, she should only hope to do as well as Larsa is. If I have one note for Larsa it would be to stop trying to make Zana happen. She is like Camille Grammer with DeeDee, always carting that silent woman around as her emotional support human.

Dr. Nicole had a couple of good scenes this week, one with her mother at the park and one with Alexia at Lisa and Lenny’s pool party of doom. She’s been trying to repair her relationship with her father, and her mother, her husband, and Alexia are all telling her to give this guy a second chance. We see a flash of her mother at breakfast with the father, who is still her best friend, and he’s saying he wants Nicole to try to have a relationship with him because he’s trying, but he also says that if she wants a relationship, then she needs to accept his girlfriend. We don’t know explicitly what is wrong with the girlfriend, but based on what we’ve seen of her father, I can’t imagine he’s making the best choices.

Nicole tells Alexia that her mother says that she is exactly like her father, and I think that is the problem here. They’re both selfish narcissists (to some extent), and we always dislike the people who show the qualities that we dislike most about ourselves. This fight seems like a war between Tauruses (and as a May baby married to another one, I know what that is like). No one wants to give any ground and they both want to be right. Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Someone needs to eat the shit for this to work, and I don’t think either one will. I disagree with everyone in her life. If Nicole feels like she gave it her all with this man — who did everything with her brother and didn’t invite her because he is a macho asshole — and he still isn’t worth it, then she should just cut him out of her life. Sometimes getting rid of a toxic family member is better than including them and lessening yourself.

It doesn’t seem like Nicole has an exit plan from her father, though. Lenny seems to have mapped it all out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already signed a lease on a condo for himself and the mistress. I’m sure we’re going to find out in the coming weeks, and this time Lenny will for sure know the microphones are hotter than a brand-new set of fake boobs.

The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Drop Her Like It’s Hot