Wednesday

If You Don’t Woe Me By Now Season 1 Episode 7 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

Wednesday

If You Don’t Woe Me By Now Season 1 Episode 7 Editor’s Rating 5 stars *****

Wednesday goes to Mayor Walker’s funeral, and not just because she’s always loved funerals. As all true-crime freaks know: The killer always goes to the funeral, and Wednesday is waiting for her adversary to make a mistake. I am waiting for Wednesday to figure out that she can’t solve any of these mysteries all by herself and she needs to make up with her friends and would-be boyfriend before it’s too late. But before either of these things can occur, Wednesday is greeted by a special guest: Uncle Fester, played by Fred Armisen under some spooky prosthetics. She’s so happy to see him she actually smiles. Like, with teeth!

I’m not sure what Uncle Fester’s deal was, canonically, aside from the fact that he could turn on a lightbulb with his mouth. His vibe in this world of the Addams Family extended universe is like an electric Hamburglar: committing some crimes, doing “jobs” that require him to “lay low” until the police hunt for him blows over, and making sparks fly between his fingers. Wednesday puts him up in the Hummers shed and inadvertently reveals she’s made a friend. “That poor kid will be going home in a body bag,” Fester jokes. Too real, Uncle Fester! And STOP EATING BEES.

Through Fester, Wednesday learns that the monster she’s looking for is called a Hyde, and she can learn about him from Nathaniel Faulkner’s diary, which is stored in a safe in the Nightshades library. (I find this mishmash of literary references both very fun and unnecessarily confusing. Like, I’m here for the Hyde and you all know about my Frankenstein theories, but unless there’s a reason to wink at Nathaniel Hawthorne or William Faulkner that I’m not getting, I don’t know why we need their names in the mix, on top of the Jekyll and Hyde situation … and don’t forget we’re already in a swirl of Edgar Allan Poe references. Getting a little crowded in here, wouldn’t you say?

Enid keeps dropping by her old dorm under false pretenses because she misses Wednesday. I get it, but Enid: YOU are the one who left! Let Wednesday miss you! They get into one of those escalating arguments where you say every mean thing you’ve been storing up for the whole time you’ve known somebody in one big BOOM of a fight, and it culminates in Enid saying Yoko wants her to be her new roommate permanently.

Wednesday retreats to the Nightshades library, where Xavier is hanging around I guess just so he can state the theme of the episode aloud — “You know what your problem is? You don’t know who your real friends are.” — before leaving Wednesday, Fester, and Thing to crack the safe. (Fester says he’s impressed by the tension between Wednesday and Xavier, but I can’t say I pick up on any real energy between them … do you?) From the diary, Wednesday learns that Hydes are “artists by nature, but equally vindictive in temperament” (I feel like the “artists” thing is too obvious a red herring pointing us toward Xavier, so Xavier won’t actually BE the monster). Hydes are loyal to whoever unlocked them and the unlocking is achieved via trauma, chemical inducement, or hypnosis. So now Wednesday is hunting down two creatures: The monster and the master.

Thornhill pops by the dorm to try to figure out what went wrong between Wednesday and Enid, seeing as Enid is formally requesting a roommate change. Wednesday will not cave (remember she has quite officially told Thornhill they have nothing in common and is not interested in connection). Fester preaches the joys of solo life, which should really make Wednesday question all her choices … doubt does seem to be creeping in at her edges.

Wednesday is convinced that the monster is Xavier. She confronts him Twilight-style — “I know what you are” — and he denies it and flees, so she and Fester follow him in a totally inconspicuous ride (a dalmatian-print motorcycle, complete with a sidecar and spotted helmets with puppy ears). They spot him having a secret meeting with Dr. Kinbott. For a second I thought, Maybe the therapist is his mom? But Wednesday obviously has other ideas. She storms into Weems’s office to report her latest findings only to discover that Kinbott is already there. She pivots quickly, saying she wants to try hypnotherapy, just to see if Kinbott will admit that it’s the sort of thing she’s into, which Wednesday takes as confirmation that she must be the monster-master.

At the Weathervane, while Fester shotguns ketchup, Wednesday says she believes Kinbott used hypnotherapy to unlock Xavier during a session. Tyler doesn’t care what his dad told him about staying away from Wednesday: He is going to slide into the booth right next to his girl and look at those spooky diary pages with her. Sheriff Galpin shows up in time to see those two getting awfully close but not in time to catch Fester, who makes himself scarce because he is, what do you know, the suspect in a bank robbery. Tyler doesn’t care about petty crime and colorful family members: He wants a makeup date with Wednesday, no excuses. They’re meeting at nine at Crackstone’s Crypt. Romantic!

Though Wednesday insists to Thing that she is not going on a date — “It’s a quid pro quo for almost getting him disemboweled” — it is so very obviously a date, and Tyler hits all his marks. He brought her a black dahlia and set up ten billion string lights and a projector so they could have a picnic and watch a movie together! He asks if she likes scary movies and then they watch Legally Blonde! “That was torture” is Wednesday’s assessment of some of Reese’s finest work. “Thank you.”

Over Wednesday’s protests that she would be a horrendous girlfriend who would ignore him, stomp on his heart, and nearly get him killed, Tyler says he wants to be more than friends and steps closer to her to kiss her. In the notes I take as I watch these episode, I write “He better not be the monster I swear to GOD I am finally rooting for these crazy kids … but probably this means he IS the monster and I’m going to have to start liking Xavier more :( :( :(.”

Riiiiight before they can kiss, the sheriff walks in. DAD, get OUT. He’s actually very cool about this, considering everything. But when Wednesday gets back to her room she finds out that the place has been ransacked (!) and blood is dripping (!!) because THING has been STABBED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE PALM!!!

Suspects include but are not limited to: Literally any girl in the dorms could’ve gotten in but this seems a little violent, even for Bianca. Can the boys get in as well? Of course, there’s always Weems, but again, doesn’t seem like her style. Security at Nevermore seems pretty abysmal, but if the school is on lockdown I think we have to believe that this call is coming from inside the house. OOoooOOOooh, is Thornhill secretly evil?! Is she even really a normie?!

But we don’t have time for speculation. We need to BRING THING BACK. I must say it is a real testament to this show’s character-building that I am very emotional about the attempted homicide of this disembodied hand. Great work, everyone involved! Fester one-two-CLEARS him back, and though he thinks Thing won’t make it, those little fingers actually start to move! Wednesday demands to know who did this, but of course, it was some cowardly knife from the back. At least we know it wasn’t Tyler? Wednesday and Thing do a little pinky-hug and it’s very moving, NGL!!

Fester has to split because the sheriff found his stolen motorbike. Wednesday reports the breaking and entering and Thing-assault to Weems and Thornhill. She knows that Weems must also know that the monster they’re after is called a Hyde. At this, Thornhill is dismissed. Weems tells Wednesday that Faulkner (again, very confusing and distracting name choice that has yet to justify itself) spent years studying Hydes, trying to find out if they were conscious or just vessels for their masters — but, occupational hazard, he was killed by a Hyde before he could figure it out. Weems never told the sheriff about Hydes because it’s the sort of thing that could get the school shut down.

After this meeting, Bianca pulls Wednesday aside, saying she has information about Mayor Walker’s murder. Lucas found out that his dad was looking for Laurel right before he was killed and, what do you know, no body was ever recovered from that whole “drowning” incident. Turns out the Gates mansion was purchased by somebody old who died and left it to someone whose name is an anagram for LAUREL GATES. Wednesday’s theory is that Laurel has returned to the scene of Garrett’s death to avenge her brother. Though you’d think if that were Laurel’s top priority, she’d start with Morticia and Gomez?

Wednesday decides that Dr. Kinbott must be Laurel and, as is Wednesday’s standard practice, she goes straight to her suspect with her accusation. Evidence includes: The roses in Laurel’s room were the same that Kinbott brought Eugene; a psychiatrist could easily slip in and out of that same hospital to unplug the mayor; vengeance is the only reason Wednesday can fathom for an overqualified professional to settle down in some backwater hellhole like the Pilgrim World capital of America. Kinbott responds to this by threatening to have Wednesday institutionalized, which hardly fazes our teen detective.

Wednesday leaves, but just as Kinbott calls Weems to tell her that Wednesday is fully unhinged … the monster appears and kills her!! Okay, so there goes that theory. It was fun while it lasted. RIP, Dr. Kinbott!

Being wrong about Dr. Kinbott humbles Wednesday exactly zero percent. She corners Xavier in his art shed and accuses him of stabbing Thing. Xavier says the only reason his therapy sessions are private is because his dad would consider them a “PR problem.” That his most recent painting is Kinbott’s face getting clawed does little to allay Wednesday’s suspicions. Plus all this telling paraphernalia — Rowan’s inhaler, Eugene’s glasses, stalker photos of Wednesday, Kinbott’s necklace — is lying around his art shed. Xavier swears he’s been framed and should’ve let Rowan kill Wednesday, which, wow! Xavier gets arrested. Rough break for our tortured artist.

Wednesday gets back to her room to find Enid moving back in. This is a sort of unsatisfying resolution seeing as Wednesday didn’t even have to apologize or learn anything to get Enid to come back; she privately missed her, but how would Enid know?

Then Wednesday goes back to the Weathervane to finish her date. Tyler is already up to speed on the Xavier situation, which only makes me more concerned re: the probability that he, Tyler, is the bad guy, and when he turns out to be the worst Wednesday will have learned that she was right to never trust anyone. Well, if that’s what’s going to happen, I’m glad she got one good kiss in before the end! A kiss so powerful it brings on … a vision! A vision of the Hyde with TYLER’S FACE. Her only hate sprung from her only love!! (Or, at least, her only like!)

So, here is the question: All those hints we’ve heard along the way about how visions aren’t to be trusted, they don’t show you the full picture, etc. — will that actually pay off? Or will all of Wednesday’s visions turn out to be literally true and Tyler is, in fact, the Hyde? And if he’s the monster, who’s the master? All signs point toward Nevermore, not to sound like the Sheriff … Weems or Thornhill are my top-two guesses. It’s 2022, you know? Women can be monster-masters, too.

Wednesday Recap: And Then He Kissed Me