Researchers recently awarded American women a dubious prize. 

It turns out that in a worldwide study, America comes out as number one where big breasts are concerned. 

We're number one! We're number one! Build a wall around that.

Women in this country have the biggest breasts in the world

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If you are a woman who is small of chest, don't panic. I have received word that even as we speak the Itty Bitty Titty Committee has convened for emergency strategic planning sessions. 

To be clear, this study didn't take into account who was born with big breasts, and who required surgical intervention to get their mad mama jamas up to size, so don't feel too bad if your breasts aren't up to par with what the study found out. Yours are just as perfect, and all-natural.

This finding was pretty surprising to me. Then I sat back and tried to think about the last time I had seen anyone with remarkably small breasts. I couldn't remember. 

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We say that breast size doesn't matter, big or small, your breasts are perfect as they are.

But the truth is now being backed up by science: America loves big breasts. Its passion for big breasts cannot be tamed. (I blame Karl's Junior commercials.) Don't question my rage, just be glad you aren't on the receiving end. 

The reason this study was conducted is almost more interesting than the results it yielded. 

"Increasing knowledge of the breast size variation of women from different countries is needed as a guideline for example for the product development and targeting of marketing actions of clothing industry and cosmetic surgery providers," researchers wrote. 

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Now that our cup sizes have been filled, plastic surgeons and clothing marketers can concentrate their efforts on places like the Philippines, where there is still so much self-esteem deconstruction left to be done, and all for a profit to boot. 

I want to see a breakdown of these numbers. How many women were born with big breasts?

How many felt pressure to cave and increase their size? When did that start? When were they first aware that what they were born with was not enough to pass as acceptable or desirable?

But of course, these aren't the questions we're asking, instead, research is focusing on who to market tight sweaters to next. I hope they can put their money and resources into finding bras that are comfortable and cute. I'm tired of having to sacrifice one for the other.

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Rebecca Jane Stokes is an editor, freelance writer, former Senior Staff Writer for YourTango, and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek. Her bylines have appeared in Fatherly, Gizmodo, Yahoo Life, Jezebel, Apartment Therapy, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, SheKnows, and many others.